kellybites

beats me.

2008-11-29T00:32:00.004+08:00

I wonder why people do the things they do.
using whatever power they have to break you.
you want to fight back, but what's the use?
you keep to yourself so you have less to lose.

I do have a happy life and I'm doin' fine.
they probably don't so they hate and whine.
I feel for them, but I'd rather stay away.
pray for a stronger heart every single day.

the real you, they will never see.
it should be ok, just let them be.
they'll probably get tired of it eventually...
but why they do and say these things...(literally)
beats me:(

thebiteclub.multiply.com

2008-11-24T19:35:00.005+08:00

i apologize for the inconvenience it may have caused you when i shut down my previous multiply site, but i've recently gone back "multiply-ing" via

thebiteclub.multiply.com ;)

please feel free to check it out:)

much love and many thanks!

-kelly:)

the novelty of "you"

2008-11-24T19:03:00.004+08:00

you lose it...
every single bit.
in a second, in a minute.

everytime they pry
everytime you cry
everytime they ask the reason why.

the minute you show feeling
when they sense you healing
bit by bit they'll keep peeling
layers you desperately try sealing.

the moment they find out
what they think you are about.

they see who they want to see
to assume, like anything, is free.

but really it's ok , what harm can it do?
you'll only have lost the "novelty" and not
the real meaning of "you".

ahem.

2008-11-15T08:42:00.003+08:00

didn't quite start the day right.

like i'm the only silly person in sight.

pick yourself up with all your might.

breathe in and resist the urge to bite.

"know-it-alls" all around you.

picking on every little thing you do.

sizing you up...and down, what's new?
thinking you're dumb and you haven't any clue.

please don't try my patience today.

i am really in no mood to play.

maybe try another day,

when my headache goes away...

weird i can never be one of them,

coming from a different root and stem...

so, what the heck am i still doing here?

ahem. ;(

and then some.

2008-11-12T23:36:00.004+08:00

had a long day, and got to thinking...

real hard, and feel like sinking.

wonder why people are this way and that

without even knowing where your heart is at.

they think they know every bit about you.

like they're experts in everything you do.

you lose your faith in them briefly...

try to shake them off completely.

then you don't remember them at all.

ignore and drop each and every call.

you suddenly feel light and free.

suddenly, there's no one there, but me.

life's funny that way, you feel numb.

it throws you a bone sometimes... and then some.

"Kellybites" the book

2007-11-23T19:24:00.001+08:00

Since I got a lot of requests to come out with a book...lo and behold, my blog is now a book! =) A picture book collection of my favorite blog entries and poetry and some images you might find interesting enough to keep! =)

It's a dream realized so thank you...for the inspiration, the support and the curiosity I suppose, hee hee =)

There are only a few books available locally (initially) at the station (unit 906b Paragon Plaza Reliance cor. Edsa), after which you can get your copies off an online bookstore (to be announced soon), part of the proceeds will go to Project Brave Kids! =)

This is my way of sharing my mantra...my philosophy...I'm hoping you find yourself in there too, everytime you read a line or two. =)

If you're interested and you wish to have a copy reserved in your name and for other inquiries, email me at kellybitesradio@yahoo.com =)

Bless your hearts always, always! =)

Sincerely,

Kelly =)

not yours...

2007-08-02T17:22:00.000+08:00

When people are lost
and they don’t know

Losing sight of things
that come and go…

Sometimes
all they want is to take
Carefully molding
a spirit that’s so fake…

Grabbing someone else’s personal piece
Like something that’s for rent or for lease
Never having an original thought
Copying without fear of being caught

Ah, pathetic really, this all seems...
Sadly, one of the most common, devious schemes
glorifying oneself with false brilliance
they are really those that have no resilience…

whatever you say represents you…
whatever you do says a lot about you…
so, be who you really are
and not some wannabe star…

or be a star, sure, coz you’re not dull
but please oh please, just be original…
You’re here to make a difference
Not to always check on a reference…

don’t be just a copy of someone you know
be yourself and don’t just go with the flow…
trying to make people think you’re cool…
Ah, that is the major plan of a fool

would you rather realize, you’re nothing but
an empty shell who didn’t make the cut?
Or be the way you’re meant to be…
The you, that we’re really meant to see…

When you keep getting credit
for someone else’s scores…
can you ever be really proud
of something that’s not yours?

wish "you"...whole

2007-04-28T03:12:00.000+08:00

A heart’s dry spell,
A spirit’s drought…
No water in the well…
No drop from the spout

soul is empty…
need to refill…
count to twenty…
heart sits still…

wait for thunder..
wait for rain…
to swim, to wade…
to drown the pain…

gag and wait…
and dehydrate…
squeeze your fate…
release the hate…

breathe in and gasp…
for needed air…
hands in a clasp…
a single prayer…

then waves they call
it stops your fall…
abates your thirst…
…tears then burst…

you drink at last
you wash your past
you soak your soul.
And wish “you”… whole.

and yes, you know it...

2007-02-27T14:59:00.000+08:00

"the truest wisdom lies in a happy mind." -ella wheeler wilcox

it happens to you…
quickly, in a snap

your face lights up…
waking up..
from a really long nap…

you’re tickled by a thought
it makes you smile…
all the battles you fought…
they’re gone for a while…

there’s a warmth in your chest…
you giggle for a bit…
you settle for your best
and everything seems to fit…

your life is far from perfect
but it’s perfectly fine
you learn to redirect
and you read the right signs…

you take it with a grain of salt
things could be really worse
not everything’s your fault
and your life, definitely, not a curse…

without warning, without a clue
it hits you when you least expect it…
when all this time you were sorry and blue…
it’s your turn to redeem and collect it…

ah yes, it can happen, even to you,
a misfit…
finally…you’re actually happy…
and yes,
you know it…

you "fake" care...

2007-02-27T13:25:00.000+08:00

"...certainty is a disease by kings, I am many things but a king..." - Sam Bicke as played by Sean Penn

started out a "typo"
i stop...and then i go.
instead of typing "take",
i unconsciously type "fake"

right there, before my eyes
i read it over...then realize...

sometimes people say they do,
but how do you know it's true?

sometimes we trust what is said
believe that honor is not dead...

when something turns out to be unreal,
there's no describing how you feel.

after confusion, there's disbelief...
after conclusion, there is grief.

and it's never really fair
when you promise to be there...
then you don't even dare...
and worse, you "fake" care :(

loved "who" first?

2007-01-17T19:22:00.000+08:00

“You are my sweetest downfall - I loved you first…” - Samson by Regina Spektor

gone through it once, gone through it twice,
The joy, the pain, the truth, the lies…

Oh so not a game…no, not for the wise…
Unless you can hide that pain in your eyes…

Question is, who loved who first?
Is it a need, a hunger, a thirst?
Oh dear, you both are cursed…
With a wonder, a doubt, on who loved who first…

But even if it were or were not you who did…
It is never easy to let go and get rid
Of the one you wish to be forever with…
Put away in a jar, tightly seal the lid…

The question should not be who, but how and why
And what made you smile and laugh and cry…

How much love did you give, how much love do you know?
Is it a ready, a get set and a go?
Or is it like playing tic, playing tac, playing toe?
Oh no…

Who loved who first? Who loved who more?
True love never ever really keeps score…

Who loved who first? Hmmm…let us see
There can only be one answer, either you or me…

But here’s a truce, a truth that is fair
Tell it like it is, to play this little dare…

Who loved me first?
You did?…sigh…
Who loved you more?
Oh?…well, so did I…

your truth be told...

2007-01-11T20:20:00.000+08:00

Coming full circle…to the moon and back
Your heart turns red, turns blue, then
black…

Going around in circles…you feel high, you feel low
You stand and endure…
every hit…
every blow…

You’ve been there, done that…
you get tired sometimes
You’ve been there, done that…
yet nothing rhymes…

But look back …just for a second…and recognize…
The “you” that you’ve become…just now…and realize…

That just as you ask for more…you actually have enough…
That your aching heart forgives even when you act tough…

Do let it go, whatever it is…life is actually good…
the silver lining is there… embrace it if you would.

Free yourself…breathe and just be …
The soul you’re meant to be, the soul they never see…

Be brave…don’t hold back..release and behold…
The true color of your heart… as your truth be told…

call it a day...

2007-01-03T20:04:00.000+08:00

swiftly gone, they’ve waltzed by so fast…
oh the seconds, the minutes, the hours
Whoever said they can ever really last?
They won’t look back coz they’re not ours

Oh the seconds the minutes the hours that came and went…
Left you broken, left you tired, left you spent…
Another year has passed and your heart is big yet bland
Tell me…why do you always keep it in your hand?

Has anyone ever said you’re beautiful?
Or they told you you were ugly?
Do you enjoy acting like a fool?
Or maybe… you’re just really unhappy?

You say you’re sad while everyone’s celebrating…
You have more than anyone can ever receive
you realize there’s more to just being entertaining…
Yet you never seem to have faith…never seem to believe…

You confuse your heart for your mind
You make believe, you live and believe your own lies
You have eyes that see yet you are blind…
So now then, why don’t your smiles ever reach your eyes?

Go listen to what you really wish for you
What does your kept soul say?
Go till it bleeds you dry yet true

And only then can you call it a day.

unfinished

2007-01-03T19:07:00.000+08:00

Some of us fear so much what lies ahead
To face the truth the minute you get out of bed

Should we really stop, should we really start?
Should we let things mold us or tear us apart?

So many things to do, so much more to be
try to find yourself in everything you hear and see…

You’re faced with swift moves and slow dances
And you realize that you actually get second chances…

Hopes and aspirations are always good
Hold on to your dreams, live life like you should

But there’s a quiet comfort in not knowing
When you seize to be or where your life is going…

Some things are better left unsaid, some better left undone.
Even after you’ve tried every trick in the book and under the sun.

You sit and stare, you listen in silence.
You take in some darkness, soak up some reverence…

Some things are better left that way…
You just absorb it quietly like an essay...

just the relief of knowing, of accepting...

not whether you're coming nor going...

It’s not about a purpose that has diminished…
just the reality of things unfinished.

the Chaplin effect...

2006-11-28T21:10:00.001+08:00

face so white, so glum, so pale...
he squints, he fidgets...his funny walks...
frame so slim, so sleek, so frail...
he stares, he twitches...he never talks.

made you smile, made you laugh...
wide eyes speak more than what you see.
he cut your bitterness in half...
underneath his heart screams silently.

laughter drowns his soul’s real meaning...
as he twirls his cane and bids goodbye...
in return you’re entertained and gleaming...
he’s never asked how, he’s never asked why...

while you swallow some blades and walk the tight ropes...
don’t compromise too much and keep your high hopes...
guard your identity, value your spirit, by all means, protect...
when you’re blessed and cursed with… the Chaplin effect.

no more...

2006-11-28T21:10:00.000+08:00

You squint your eyes trying to remember…
Spirit tired and spent, like it’s been forever…
The sudden stops and starts your heart makes
Remind you of all your tears…your heartaches…

But now…today…since it’s been awhile
You suddenly feel too numb to even smile
A hazy memory, a muffled sound in your head…
Feelings you’ve buried alive and left for dead…

It’s been so long ago, ignore a familiar call
refuse to see black see blue, every time you fall…
You cross your fingers, wish ...hope it goes away…
Does it know who you are…who you have become today?

Then it’s right in front of you, do breathe real hard
Too late to turn away, it has caught you off guard.
look it in the eyes, breathe a little harder now…
dig, search for words to say …and how…

Suddenly, without warning, your heart is on the floor…
You gasp for air…a distant ache in your core…
Yry to figure it out …what this very moment is for…
Your mind counts one…then two…then three…then four…

All of a sudden…you feel beat, you feel shaken, you feel sore…
In your tired heart, you know—you give it life…no more.

inhaling solitude...

2006-11-14T19:07:00.002+08:00

Breathe in and hold it…right now, right there…
Breathe in and try it…right now, a prayer…

Wait a bit…okay…and now…let lose
Wait a hint…I say…right now…diffuse…

Breathe in…respect it…coz you dare …
Breathe in…cherish it…coz you care …

Wait a while…just like that…let it out…
Wait a mile…just like that…go and shout…

Breathe in…recognize it…it’s been in your pores
Breathe in…do own it…it’s always been yours

Wait a bit longer…just like that…let it be…
Wait a bit stronger…yes that’s it…set it free…

Lest this verse be misconstrued
Every bit, every piece in our lives include
A chapter that must end, that must conclude
An honesty you thought you never could exude
Then you free yourself…inhaling solitude.

When "You" Happen...

2006-11-14T19:07:00.000+08:00

There are so many names in history books
Some are there for brilliance, some for looks.
The good, the bad, the ugly…
Just about any life tells a story…

You wonder who documents yours…
Whose hand tallies all your scores?
Do you just go by unnoticed?
Are you even part of any list?

I do know you are as important as the next guy.
It matters that you too hurt, that you also cry…
But to whom it matters, is what matters the most…
He should take note of every truth, every lie, every breath in every post.

You happen in levels, gradients and details...
You happen in every heartbeat, every memory that prevails.
You happen every second, every minute, every hour
You wonder where you get your strength, your power…

But when do “you” really happen?
In a world that’s badly misshapen?

It’s when you know how to use your heart, your hand and give
It’s when you tell your soul, your spirit to live
It’s when you will your eyes, your mind to see the truth…
It’s when you learn from mistakes you made in your youth…

You happen when you care enough to try
You happen when you want to help make others fly…
You happen when you’re willing to give up your dreams
For something worth and bigger than it seems…
And you do this amidst deafening screams…
Your heart feels light, and suddenly… it beams…

In the corner of your eye, you see you…
The you that you’ve been wanting to come home to…
In the corner of your eye, you recognize
The you that you can never ever disguise…

Ah, the wonderful doors a single soul can open…
Even the toughest fists will eventually soften…
When you step up every so often…
That, my friend, is when you happen.

windfalls...

2006-10-28T13:25:00.000+08:00

For every step you make, they take two to break
Holding you down, stabbing your chest with a stake…
Branding you a sap, a cut-out, a fake.
assaulting you with a knife, a drill, a rake..

Your heart bleeds, they drink your blood like fools,
Pouncing on and ripping you till your passion cools…
With so much precision, using the right tools
Like a hyena, that plots, that laughs, that drools…

Like heart never mattered, in this day and age
You feel trapped in a small, dark and vile cage…

Your head in your hands, your heart cries
You’re not good enough, you are weak in their eyes
You look in the mirror as quickly as time flies…
a part of you screams and a small part of you dies.

But you know full well and you know true
Why you’re still standing here, black and blue…
They can ridicule you and everything you do…
Yet no angry, selfish spirit can ever break you…

When darkness falls and haunts you every day
Like a hungry beast running after its prey…

With not enough armor to make you strong and stay…
You just take it in, bow your head and…pray.

Hold your breath and go beyond brick walls
Be your own salvation answer your own calls
Don’t be a spirit that wilts, that melts, that crawls…
but do keep heart, keep watch for little blessings, little things…
little windfalls.

death of the old school dj

2006-10-11T16:35:00.000+08:00

Whatever happened to the legends I wonder?
Those who really made sense and gave points to ponder…

Whatever happened to the on air greats, the best of the lot…
We’re now left with those who think they’re good when in fact they’re not.

Power is now sucked in and spat out and sprayed…
living hell for those who hoped, who wished and stayed…

It used to be an honor to be out there heard by many…
An opportunity anyone shouldn’t just take lightly…
A responsibility, a pride, a duty…
A decent profession that never really relied on beauty.

No heart now plays a role in any game…
Signs that the dance will never be the same…

Back when the Jeremiah Juniors, the North Andrews, the JoeShmoes ruled…
Now there are just a bunch of posers, oh they could’ve had me fooled…

The Logans, the Sargeant Peppers, the Sonny Bs…where could they be?
Their legacies were not passed on as one can clearly hear and see….

What a waste, so sad, so tragic…
No potential, no sense, no magic…

Who put out the fire? Did you pee on the fun parade?
Would you sacrifice decency as long as you’re getting paid?

Good humor, pure wit, kind words are lost…
Mocking entertainment is on at every cost…

You miss, you crave for the good old days…
The witty exchange as your music plays…

Ah, but now it’s clear and safe to say…
Today is the end, the death of the old school dj =(

unfortunate word play

2006-10-05T21:37:00.001+08:00

People often forget how powerful words can be...
how much they make you either miss or see...

they can make someone smile,
they can make someone cry...
all depends on the words you choose to use...
like "yes" or "no", like "hello" or "goodbye"...

even the simplest things can be made complex...
just by how you say words, in this and that context...

it also matters how you mean it and what your intentions are...
know that once you let it out, it can and will leave a scar...

you are the words you use,
you are the life you choose...
using anything in the wrong way...
somehow there is a price to pay...

when you use words to hurt a heart...
some things are lost, a limb...a part...
there's no taking it back, when all is said and done...
even if you excuse it as just having "fun"...

words are gifts that when used right...
can even save a life, can even win a fight...
words work best when used wisely...carefully...
but some just refuse to do so...sadly...

words can give hope, or take it away all together...
words can wound you so deep, or make you feel better...

words help you say what you wish to express...
whether you want more, whether you want less...
they give life to something when you say it over and over...
you start to believe it, like wishing on a four leaf clover...

words can heal, but can also make you bleed...
there are no rules, no law, no justice, no creed...
the power to fuel good or bad, fame and greed...
words grow and spread with just one small seed...

do you stop and think to say something nice...
or you bother people with your whats, your hows and whys?
would you rather say a schemingly controversial clause...
or keep your lips sealed, avoiding thin lines you don't dare cross?

however which way you choose,
whatever which words you use...
they all say so much about you and how you see yourself...
are you a quiet hermit, a roaring giant or a miserable elf ?

be careful what you say...
walk on eggshells if you may...
otherwise, take it all in and stay...
and be ready for some unfortunate word play.

complicated basics...

2006-09-17T15:36:00.001+08:00

"it is your judgments that keep you from joy...and your expectations which make you unhappy..." - Converstations with God (book one) by Neale Donald Walsch

I wish for the basic simplicity of things.
no attachments, no strings…

It is basic, it is plain
it is pleasure, it is pain…
no more, no less…
nothing more to address…

I wish it were that simple…
but life never is…

In truth there are but basic complications…

when you show more than what they see.
you shake up some known notions…
you demonstrate what and how much more it can be…
without using tricks, without magic potions…

There’s really more to anyone
than anyone can ever imagine anyone to be…

the human make-up is so complicated
that it takes a lot of courage to simplify it deliberately.

the energy someone so passionately exhausts…
to hide all the beautiful colors of experiences, dreams and thoughts…

fearing embarrassment, dreading judgment…
worrying of vulnerabilities you think you’re not equipped to face…
to fall out of place, to fall from what to popular belief is grace…

nothing and no one is what it, he or she seems…
the little secrets that haunt them even in their dreams…
you’ll never know and that’s the way it should be.
you don’t have to know, you don't have to hear or see…

accept what and how someone is to you…
don't ask, don’t bother, don’t seek a clue or two…
respect what he shows, respect what he hides…
be aware of him without ever taking sides…

the joy, the heartbreak, the daily things he endures…
the smiles, the help, the time he extends, he assures…
his wishes, his wants, his love, his little sores…
it is his, his choice, his right, never yours…

you are here for your own salvations,
not here to judge someone else’s life decisions.
controversy is entertaining only to those who don’t care…
a kind heart knows what’s uncomfortable, what’s unfair…

not one is better than the other…
we all but try to survive and shudder…
we all cry, we all dream, we all fart…
we’re lucky to be given a brain, to be given a heart…

use them right and you might just make it…
forgive yourself, hold your breath, savor it…

leave other people be, no matter how interesting they are…
you have your own life to be concerned about,
so... what have you really done so far?

little things...

2006-09-17T15:36:00.000+08:00

"...everyone is in such a hurry, people haven't found meaning in their lives, so they're running all the time looking for it..." - Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

There are things that make you feel right…
things that help you to not lose sight…
nothing monumental.
not confidential.
not as life-changing as say, a wedding brings…
just little things.

things that make you flex your cheek muscles,
the way your lola likes it…
like when some things in one fine moment fit..

you can’t deny the way it affects you
even for a short while…
your lips twitch and rise to the occasion we call…a smile…

We have created a world of insatiables and even so,
you get how it all works sometimes, you just know…
you don’t have to be rich to spot happiness from a mile…
like I know, it’s the littlest things that make me smile…

a baby staring at you wide-eyed from his stroller in the mall…
a thought of someone who always remembers to call…
an old couple holding hands…
70% off on all your favorite brands…

a parking space on midnight madness season…
getting flowers for no reason…
the last pair of shoes you’re obsessing about for months in your size.
a nice plate of onion rings, with ketchup and some fries…

a text message from a friend you thought lost your number…
a consideration, a compliment, a good job offer…

rays of sunset beams through my living room window…
doing a kind deed for someone who will never know…

a call from the hotline just to say “hi”…
a friend saying “see you soon” and not “bye”…

knowing that you made someone’s day
making you feel you’re not that bad after all…
and you’re actually okay.

a cup of peppermint tea…
the smell of good coffee…
all so precious to me…

a good book…
a simple joke…
a kind gesture…
a nice quote…

it’s the little things…
the kind, a kind word brings…
that most often go unnoticed…
often shrugged off, often missed…

life’s minute details go by so fast…
you have to recognize it,
capture it in your memory for it to last…

do you know what a simple joy brings?
the most significant element that clings?
the slight pinch that sometimes stings?
when was the last time you really noticed…
the little things?

version of you

2006-08-22T14:35:00.000+08:00

"he has an idea of you in his head. it doesn't matter if it's true. it makes him happy believing that idea about you..." - from the movie that started so well, but ended quite poorly, American Dreamz...

People have different ideas of you in their heads.

one they want to believe.
one they can handle...
one that's convenient to conceive.

good or bad, nice or not...
you have no control over it.

an idea of you. a half-truth. a semi-made up thought.

for whatever purpose, whatever reason.
it's just a blurry impression.
not your identity, not your intention.

vague made definite.
fantasy made real.
they believe they know how you really feel.

from the little that they've heard...
the little that they've seen.
they create someone...
from somewhere you've never been...

the someone they're familiar with in their heads by far.
a someone not even remotely close to who you really are.

it's their right.
and it's alright.

you're not opening your doors completely.
not letting them in at all...
just giving them a peek...a glimpse...
of what could be and could've been...
it will always be your call..

they squint into a peephole to get a sample of you.
yet they'll never really get it...
not one bit...
not one clue...

somehow that's the way you actually want it.
you feel safer when you sieve.
protected when you filter.
not everyone gets through.
only the ones you allow...
to really experience you.

you don't have to worry about those who want more than you can give...
those who have everything to say about what you do, how you live.

Don't give it another thought.
they can never really get you...
even when they really try...
and pretend they know what's true...
all they'll ever know is just an idea, a thought, an impression...
just a version of you...

not a lot...

2006-08-17T14:33:00.000+08:00

"How much time do we have? Not a lot..."
- Mr. D., as played by Ryan Reynolds in the movie School of life

I live my life, my everyday, like it's the last.
time never waits... it goes by so fast.

I try to feel, hear, see as much as i can...
try to remember every what, every where, every when...

Moments are fleeting, they come quickly as they go.
things you miss with every blink, you'll never know.

Embrace every last drop, every single bit.
it will all be over before you know it.

We only live once, yes life is too short...
so try every place, every movie, even every sport.

Say how you feel, mean what you say...
you'll only get one chance at it anyway.

Call her, cook for him, whisper in her ear...
Hug him, hold her hand, without hesitation, without fear...

smile till your cheeks hurt, that's always the best kind...
be thankful for a quiet moment, indeed a good find...

give, forgive and let go of what pains you...
choose to be happy in everything you do...

jump for the littlest things, always laugh your heart out,
digest every simple joy...that's what this life is all about...

Be kind, do good, embrace yourself more...
you know your worth and what you're here for.

Be everything you can be.
Adore everything you see.

Do something for the first time and never forget,
don't be ashamed, never lose faith, never regret...

Love big, love true, love them, love "you"...
Keep a lot, keep a few...keep the old, keep the new...

Waste another second?
no, I will not.
How much time do I have? really...
not a lot.

gone fishing...

2006-08-14T17:05:00.001+08:00

"Ever wonder about the games people play?they come, they go, they leave, they stay...someone please tell them, make up their minds...and please open their eyes and take off those blinds..." - anonymous

he loves me, he loves me not...
i'd ask her out, i'd ask her not...
there are no plans, there are no plots...
no point in trying to connect the dots

they convince themselves, they're in it for the fun
play hide and seek, when it feels like hit and run...

let's name a trip...say... fishing...
the thrill of not knowing what he's catching...
whether it's big, whether it's small...
whether he'll ever catch anything at all...

sometimes he'll see one fish take a peek
his efforts are not after all, that bleak...
he puts his energies into luring it in...
clearly a pursuit he can actually win...

hook the tasty bait... then patiently, quietly wait...

after long hours, suddenly, unexpectedly...a bite...
he reels it in...with all his might...
for the fish, there's really no hope in sight...
even when it tries to put up a good fight...

say you're the fish...he picks you up and then...
unhooks you...studies you in every way he can...

he might take you home, and try to taste you...
he might decide to stuff you...picture you on his wall...and mount you...
to display what's his, a catch so fresh, so new...

if you're lucky, if he's smart...that's what it will be...
but sometimes he might choose to unhook you and set you free...
and you're drawn to him for doing so...
like an awestruck mermaid refusing to go...

you wait for him every morning at the same spot...
you watch for his lure, his bait... until you rot...

you don't care for the others who try to entice you...
you swim around in circles, one too many, one too few...

from afar he actually watches as you await his return...
he enjoys that you look for him, your need so severe, so stern...
he basks in delight as you struggle in trance...
it's all about him and he loves this kind of dance...

right foot in, right foot out...
all he does is shake you all about...

he won't fish you out again...
even when he actually can...

you wish for the impossible...
to be fished out and conquer all...

you know you'll die out of the water...
and he will never really bother...
to try and leave all he has known on land...
to join you, and give you his heart, his hand...

you're left hoping...still wishing...still waiting...
and while you believe and feel there may be something...
to him, it's really nothing...in fact...
he's just gone fishing...

taking off...

2006-08-13T16:22:00.000+08:00

"I reached for him, for some sign, for something, as he was walking out the door...he never stopped walking...he never even slowed down..." - Good in Bed, Jennifer Weiner

(taking off - this phrase can only be good, for some people that is, if it were followed by the word “clothes”…and cool if it were preceded by the words “plane” and “career”.)

when used to mean "to go", "to leave"..."to escape"...
"to run away from"
to try and never return...
to abandon...

"i'm taking off now..."
you don't know why, but you realize how.

taking off.

let's dissect it for a bit.

"taking" - not giving.
"off" - not on.
focused on getting...
a devious and very subtle con.

putting them together is schemingly clever...
a cross between the now and the never...

you don't hear "goodbye", you don't hear "so long" ...
you hear "good riddance" ..."i'm outta here"...
simply put, it just sounds wrong.

it's not even a farewell...
and you can always tell...

the silent damage... the subtle emptiness...
you see it coming...hear what it says...
you feel no more...you feel no less...
you crave to finally escape this mess...

the quiet disturbance
of a fleeting glance
of one last dance...
no one stands a chance.

is it easier to say it?
easier than "i'll be back soon" ?
that would be too much promise,
too much commitment...too much too soon...

too much of a compromise...too much of a touch...
too much trouble...
just plain...too much.

it is also too much to take...
too much to bear...
too much at stake...
just plain...not fair.

it picks at you...your bits and pieces
you try to survive the little hits and misses...

but you wait for the tide to subside...
and realize that there's a much better ride...
waiting for you to get off the wrong plane, bus or train...
you take a new trip...to try and forget the pain...

and after all that's said and done...
you can tell yourself you've won...
because no matter how much they mock or scoff...
finally...you're the one... taking off...

frame you...

2006-08-11T23:11:00.000+08:00

"We all reject out of hand the idea that the love of our life may be something light or weightless; we pressume our love is what must be...that without it, our life would no longer be the same..." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

if there was a way to capture one moment of you...
to immortalize that memory...put it in a frame and just look at you.
if there was a way to pick a favorite second...a snapshot...not two...
of the way i wish to remember you...

if there was a way to do this...
then i can also choose what i wish to miss...

then i wouldn't have to suffer your touch
my heart wouldn't have to bleed so much...

to push away everything else i saw in you...
except in that one moment, one fine day...
to believe that that was the soul i knew...
and the rest i should just crop out and throw away...

didn't i give you everything i own?
gave you your septer, your crown, your throne?
i thought you said i made you smile...
but that only lasted for a while...

you said you wish to stay with me...
that i was made only for you...
it took me awhile to really see...
that you really didn't have a clue...

to give your hand, your soul, your heart...
for someone to rip it all apart...
never really fair...even from the start...

should i stay or should i leave you...
a catch 22.
my heart beats black, my spirit screams blue...
took me so long to do what i had to do..

so i turn away...with so much more in my life to see...
so much more to do...so much more for me...

even now that i seem to be fine...
it starts to play in my head now and then...
memories that are still mine...
hazy bits of the how, the what, the when...

still i hope, still i pray... that there really was a way...
to make that one moment stay...that fine day...

the only thing of you i wish i knew...
to keep only one nice memory...good enough...
to frame you.

the train never comes...

2006-08-08T22:41:00.000+08:00

"i hate to think of you waiting...when i am dead...stop waiting and be free...of me...put me deep inside of you and then go out in the world and live... love the world and yourself in it, move through it as though it offers no resistance, as though the world is your natural element. i have given you a life of suspended animation... you have created beauty and meaning...for me you have been everything...i love you always...time is nothing..."

- taken from The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

it is probably one of the most difficult things you can ever be faced with...it is something you wish you never had to do...

but since you are driven by a force you do not recognize yet sincerely respect...you do it...you wait.

you fumble with your fingers...you try to read a good book...
you sing a song in your head as you wonder about that last look.

wanting something...
something to happen, something to feel...
something to finally manifest itself...to make it real...

you try to write something...scenarios and what could be's
your chest burns with longing, the yearnings never cease...

you wonder how much longer you should put your life on hold
for one who's neither here nor there, one who's neither hot nor cold...

why must you wait you ask...
why must you put on another mask...
why can't you just will them to come true...
why doesn't it want it as bad as you do...

there's something really selfish about it...this type of fate...
blocking the world around you...
nothing else matters
but the one you anticipate...

wait...wait...wait...
the clock keeps on ticking...
wait...wait...wait...
the world keeps on turning...

your time, your energy, your hand, your heart, your soul...
every bit of you moves toward this one thing as you dig a deeper hole...

some may think you're losing it,
for waiting for something that will never really fit...

but as long as you believe it's worth it...
worth losing precious time for...
as long as your head, your heart can see it...
touch it, taste it...and you still want more...

then do as you may...wait...wait...
till you reach that all rewarding state...

go trust your instincts, the passion inside you that always hums...
even when you know while wishing...while waiting...

the train never really comes...

you are...

2006-08-08T15:58:00.000+08:00

"You can learn me..." - taken from the movie, The Constant Gardener

I'm not a big believer of the line "first impressions last..."
It's all too brief, too swift, too fast...

If you base your knowledge of one person from one encounter, one fraction of a moment...

we would be missing out on the best ingredients of that person and every precious time he spent.

You are more than one moment, one experience, one thought.
they don't know the complex battles you have fought...

You are worth more than one second, one minute, one hour, one day.
You are better than all the things they think about you or even say...

You are the words you speak...
that makes you strong and sometimes weak...

You are the walk you walk...
the work you do...
the memories you treasure...
the beliefs you value...

You are defined by your family, your friends...
your thoughts...your prayers...
your heart that often bends...

You are your needs...
You are your secrets...
your dreams...
your deeds...

To really know and experience you takes time...
to sense your every rhythm, your every rhyme...

to know you is to witness all your evolutions
the evolution of your happiness
the evolution of your dreams...
the movement of your sadness...
your stillness and your screams.

First impressions are just that and nothing but...
once you believe it, no one ever makes the cut...
the journey to the unfair begins...
and someone's true essence never wins.

In this fast paced world...it's rare for some people to want to carefully learn someone...
you are given not two moments, but just one.
no chance to amend, no chance to reveal...
a first impression is an unfortunate seal.

it's safe...it's quick...and out of the way...
nothing else to do, nothing more to say.

But whether anybody ever learns you or never at all...
the shots are always yours and never their call...

No one will ever know you the way you do...
The details of your life are those that make you, you...
and every single detail is important, by far...
because...
you are.

what's your movie like?

2006-08-07T16:50:00.000+08:00

"i love watching people, how they smile, when they do, to know why they try not to sometimes..." - kellymagic899

i wonder how it would be like in your shoes,

your home, your thoughts, your victories.

your heartaches...

how would i live your life?

your every day?

it will be nothing like mine...

wouldn't it be amazing for me to live it

if there was a way?

even for just a day?

every life, to me, is like a movie...

in my head...

the film never stops rolling

that's how it seems, that's how i see

different lives...different plots...

different characters...different takes

you have your heroes, your heroins

and your villains

your life's beatitudes

and your seven deadly sins...

conflicts... resolutions... redemptions...

the lightest of concerns and the heaviest of emotions

we have them all,

we rise and fall

oh, the drama...

the suspense...

the comedy...

the horror...

life is interesting that way

you embrace it...

even more each day

the guy that makes you cry...

the girl that leaves you dry...

the one that got away...

the one that chose to stay...

the choices that we make...

the roads we have to take...

the happiness you try to shake...

the never ending heartbreak...

the price you have to pay...

the fear that won't go away...

you sometimes wish for your movie to end...

without resolve...

even so, the script is never finished

new story lines

new dialogues

new locations

written every second...

as your musical score intensifies...softens...and builds up again...

you eat, you sleep, you work, you move, you run, you smile...

in ways unique to you...they all go unnoticed for a while.

you win, you lose, you stumble, you fall, you pick youself up

you get tired, you feel empty, you love, you give up...

the cinematography is sometimes hazy, sometimes clear

the soundtrack sometimes you can barely hear...

then our paths cross and i'm in your movie

and you're in mine...

we experience each other, we exchange lines

and we're changed for good...

just like we should.

as i watch my movie unfold...

i wonder about the other stories, right now, being told...

doesn't matter whether your name is sheila, jack, dianne or mike...

it would be nice if you can please tell me...

what's your movie like?

hush...

2006-08-01T22:15:00.000+08:00

"it's how you wanted it to be...
it's like you played a joke on me...

and i lost a friend in the end...
but i don't blame you anymore,

that's too much pain to store,
you left me half dead

inside my head...
looking back i see

i'm not the girl i used to be,
when i lost my mind,

it saved my life..."

- light years, mozella

Some things are better left unsaid.

Let it just die a natural death...and bury it

where no one can ever find it.

you dare not say a word that even sounds like it...

it just gives it life that way...it becomes real.

you try to convince yourself that it didn't actually happen...

that it doesn't actually exist.

that you must've gotten it from a movie.

that you must have heard it from a friend.

it's not real.

you try to trivialize it...like it's no big deal.

you tell yourself to leave it...even if it calls your name.

you treat it like a monster under your bed.

you do everything to get it out of your head.

you tell yourself it's not true, but it scares the heck out of you.

the key is to not say it...because when you do, you believe it.

sometimes it will do everything to trick you into saying it...

trick you into believing, again, that it is the truth.

and that there's no escaping it.

you cup your ears, you shut your eyes ever so tightly..

and hum a tune...to drown it out.

you tell yourself you're better than this.

you won't be bullied.

by some memory of something

that you tell yourself never really happened.

by some memory of someone

that you tell yourself never really existed.

whatever it is, whoever that was...

they were never really there.

that's the only truth you'll ever need to know...

and just like that...it's done...

because you say so.

Ode to...(rachael yamagata video)

2006-08-01T06:46:00.000+08:00

Ode to... (wonder who he is...)

and here she is...full of soul, full of pain...so amazing to me...
the way she sings...is the kind that haunts you...
her songs...the kind that stays in you...for a really long time...

when super glue fails...

2006-07-31T21:32:00.000+08:00

"my blood, my hand, my soul...
i throw them unto you without control...
the things i freely give, you stole...
and now i'm left in pieces...

...you've got to tell the world
about the girl you once knew,
oh she wasn't meant to be...
but you fell so very deeply...
in love... with me..." - Untitled, Rachael Yamagata

Sometimes you go through some things that leave you helpless...
you hurt too much, it renders you motionless... emotionless...if you may...

the spark inside you just dies...

like someone blew on the candle that lights you up...
and leaves you dim...and... dark...

Sometimes you feel you've given so much of yourself...
and after the ride you don't recognize yourself anymore...
it took so much out of you that you feel you have nothing left.

you're not the same anymore... you become a stranger to yourself...
you're broken... and you want your pieces put back together...

if only you can super glue yourself back the way you were...

and you hope one day... by some form of miracle...
you'll be whole again... you'll be you again...
or atleast how you remember you...

but you and i know that once you're broken, you're changed forever...
you're never the same... just a hint of what was...

you can only patch yourself up inside temporarily...
it will only hold for a few weeks, months...
and if you're lucky...it may hold for a few years...

but the chips, the cracks can never be completely sealed...

that's what happens when you give... of yourself... too much...
and not leave some for you... your safety... your sanity...

but somehow that's how you should give...
your all is sometimes not enough...
and you have so much to lose in the end...

funny that that's the beauty of it...that one...right there...

you know what will happen... but you still do it...
you still give... of yourself... completely...

knowing you'll have nothing left in the end...you don't hold back...

some people think it's crazy...
but that's what happens when you give great love.
not love, not big love, but great love.

it grasps you.
enchants you.
overwhelms you.
takes you to new heights you've never even thought possible...

and just as fast as it grabs you...
without a clue, without a warning...
it drops you...

the freefall snatches your beating heart off your chest...
you hit the pavement...

shattered...
pieces of you...millions of them...scatter...

and no matter how much you try...
you can never be super glued back.

you'd have lost a lot of bits and pieces along the way...

but the thing is, that's when you will have learned...
that's when you find the you that you never thought was ever there...

it comes out of the ruins...
and you respect it...you embrace it...

as you let the heartbreak take its course...
take its last breath...

you find yourself say...

that you, chips, cracks and all are actually,
okay...

is it you?

2006-07-31T16:51:00.000+08:00

"I found i'm scared to know i'm always on your mind..."
- Collide, Howie Day

What makes you like a song?
What makes you obsess about it till your ears bleed from listening to it over and over?

What makes a song, you?

when you find yourself requesting for it from a local radio station even after hearing it a few minutes ago...you must more than like it...

It must play a role in your life...or your day at least...

when you start playing it on repeat in your car...

when you find yourself humming it wherever you go...
when you look for tabs or chords so you can play it
using the instrument of your choice...
then you must already be hooked...

but it's one thing to like a song and yet another to live it...
and that song must be worth your time...
no matter how simple,
no matter how complicated...
it speaks to you...
and you believe it...

I like quoting lines off poems, books, movies and yes, songs...
they speak little truths...
i write them down...
i collect them...
so i don't miss a thing...

you will almost always know when a line speaks to you...
when it speaks you...

ah yes...
it moves you...

and the authors of these lyrics just become amazing to you...
every word they write make you wonder about the pain,
the tribulations they went through...
if at all they were writing out of experience...

and to turn it into a song...
with a musical arrangement that captures you...

simply genius.

a lot of the local stuff completely wow me too...

i like the ones that tell stories...
stories about you...and me.

i savor every note every single time...
i bask in every chorus...
i anticipate every refrain...

i like simple words put together,
making a smooth undeniable conflict...
unheard of, yet so true...

the line i quoted from Howie Day's Collide
was something you'd never thought you'd realize...
but it happens...
it's a little truth that he brings to your attention every time you listen to his song...

and if the song you are liking right now
doesn't have that element of helping you find you...

then maybe you should start asking yourself...

"is it you?"

to my lover

2006-07-31T14:44:00.000+08:00

this is a love letter...

"I love you like I never let yourself feel again...
I love you with my whole heart until it bends...
I love you like a lover till the end..." - Even So, Rachael Yamagata

i have been trying my very best to stay away from you...
because everybody says you're simply no good for me...

and it's breaking my heart...

for i have gotten so used to
waking up with you in the morning...
enjoying your company in the middle of the day...
feeling your comforting warmth on a cold night...

You have always been there for me...
in all my trials and victories...
you have been part of my every day...
every celebration...
every misery...
you understand me...

you were there...
when i'd cry...
laugh...
smile...
you know me...

you've given me...
comfort...
warmth...
excitement...
you inspire me.

you cheer me up...
perk me up...
pick me up...
you move me...

But being with you all these years...
is taking it's toll on me...
i've had too much of you...

too much that i lose sight
of what's wrong...
and what's right...
i get nervous...
my heart beats so fast
i can't breathe...
i can't sleep...
i can't eat...

i must let you go...

slowly...
weaning myself...

and it's not easy...

everyday...

i get a whiff of your scent...
your aroma...
calling me...
teasing me...

i look for you...
i crave for you...

the symptoms are too much to bear...

my hands shake...
my head hurts...

you are no longer with me...
and part of me feels empty...

no matter how much i want you...
you are not what i need...

i was your Bonnie...
you were my Clyde...

it was dangerous...
risky...
yet so much fun...
and i must say,
we had a great run...

i took you for what you were...
strong...
black...
bold...
sometimes hot...
sometimes cold...

but now...

dear lover.
dear friend.

our love affair...
must come to an end.

(i have had a love affair with coffee for as long as i can

remember...but lately i had to stay away from it...

this is my way of saying goodbye...

to the greatest lover of all time..."adios mi cafe!"...

until we meet again...hehehe)

zoom...

2006-07-31T13:20:00.000+08:00

"Focus" - a center of activity, attraction, or attention; a state or condition permitting clear perception or understanding - definition taken from Merriam Webster

As defined by the dictionary, the concept is very easy to grasp.

as defined by experience...the concept is not very easy to explain.

if you liken yourself to a camera, your eyes would be lenses,
every time you blink you capture moments

and you store the ones you like in your brain, your memory disc
and you do this until your battery... your heart, runs out.

...your heart can only take so much sometimes
and there will be a need for you to recharge it,
reset and start over...

we all have our way of capturing memories...
the difference would always be on the way you zoom in on things.

would you be on auto or manual focus?

when you're on auto focus...
you just let the shot take you wherever it leads you.
no control...no responsibility...just technical clarity...
no effort at all.

but when you're on manual focus...
there's direction...
you know what you want to shoot
and you try your best to zoom in on it
until it's sharp enough,
until it's clear enough to your liking...

most of the time we don't know what we want
and we're on auto focus.
we believe it's what we want.
our natural instincts make us believe it is what's best for us...

but the minute you decide to be on manual focus...
things change for you.
you're in control of your life...your choices...
you know not only what you want,
but you have a clear understanding of what it is you need
and how to get it.

you have the power to turn a bad shot into a good one
by zooming in, cropping out the elements
that make your picture look less appealing.

your shots are actually better.

a good remembrance of a very small space of time
you want to keep with you...
in your memory disc...

a collection of you and how you have been...

a reminder of what more you could be.

when you focus...
you're taking one step towards taking charge of your life...

and the best part of it all is when you take every shot...
in your mind you quietly say...

"smile".

focus is a good thing...

when you're "in" and not "out of" it.

bless your hearts...

2006-07-24T14:48:00.002+08:00

"you don't have to worry about eyestrain from looking on the brighter side of life..."
-anonymous

Getting ill for more than i expected was horrible.
More than the discomfort, it's the not-being-able-to-do-what-i-normally-would-do that pains me the most...

I missed one thursday and one friday. But i guess that's how it must run...through the weekend...

There's more to being sick than just blowing my nose, coughing up (in my case, desperately trying to) unnecessaries, staying in bed, drinking lots of and eating nothing but water...ack!

Being sick means a big disconnection for me... missing out on things i could have done, people i could have laughed with, people i could have made happier, in my own dorky way of course...

I guess it's my body's way of saying I should slow down a bit...
so i did...
slow down...
a bit...

though i'm still not one hundred percent okay today, i just had to go back and do the show...
short of breath still, but there's really nothing like it... (the show i mean, not my breath...ack!)
it's my own elixir...my energy potion...

today, i got a big brown teddy bear...sweet as sugar...sent through courier...
made me smile real big this morning...

i got flowers from an anonymous lady just a couple of days before i got sick...like she knew i'd need the comfort of beautiful tulips eventually...bless your heart too... still don't know your name...but thank you...

and all the emails, text messages, poems, calls and well wishes...goodness... you're all too kind...
bless your heart for always...

I used to dread getting sick but looking at it at a different angle makes it bearable...because of unbelievable kindness all around...

wow.

this is why i'm a big fan of the human spirit.

yours.

and yes...

mine too.

=)

close encounters...

2006-07-24T14:48:00.001+08:00

"She has this unbelievable moment of strength because she had love...that's what happens when you have love..."

- from the movie "Pieces of April", starring Katie Holmes

love sometimes can be overrated...
or so most cynics like to say...
but it can also be underrated...

some people actually downplay it and run away from it all together...
like the plague.

I guess it's just a matter of knowing and trying to understand
what it really is...

what is love without a purpose?
a former Ms. Universe once quoted some poet,
"love is not love, until you give it away..."

what is love without sacrifice?
a line from the musical play Miss Saigon goes...
"to make sure you're not hurt again, i swear i'd give my life for you..."

what is love without losing?
that popular cliche of a saying...
"it's better to have loved and lost..."
yadda, yadda...

what is love?
do you know what it really is?
how do you know it is what it is?

what kind of love do you have?

one movie would dissect it to be three kinds...
(ack, i'm a big movie fan, if you haven't noticed)

love.
big love.
great love.

the first one is the kind that goes away after, say, two months.
the second one is the kind that goes away after two years.
the third one...

ah, the third one...

it's the kind that changes your life forever.

if you get hit by the third kind of love...
that's both a blessing...
and a curse.

you cannot escape it.
there's no way you can hide from it.
there's no denying it no matter how hard you try.
you are done for my dear.
and it's good...all over.

not everyone is blessed to find it or be found by it...
but once you have "it"...
you'll feel strong...
and yet so powerless in all the right places...

you're out of control and you delight in it.
it's crazy...but makes so much sense.

the thing is...
sometimes you don't even know "it" is just right in front of you.
waiting to be recognized.

it is not in the package that you hoped for...
but it really never comes wrapped the way we want it to be.

unless you give it a try and unwrap it...
unless you try it on for size...
unless you give it a shot...

then you would have missed out on "the third kind"...

it would have almost been a close encounter...

but you didn't look up...

tsk.

always, always...

2006-07-24T14:48:00.000+08:00

"...you can say it, if you mean it enough to say it twice..." - from the movie "Stepmom"

There's an on-going joke of saying (or not) my name twice...because if you say it fast enough, it can be mistaken for the direct translation of armpit in the vernacular :) (go ahead, try it...hee hee...)

But Myreen of Imago once said my name is so nice I say it twice...
cool...and yes, true.

there's a certain hidden joy out of hearing my name said twice.
like they like it enough to say it twice...

then Myreen is probably right...

nice.

If I like something...when i'm simply charmed... i find myself saying it twice.

savoring it.
making an imprint in my head.
like i don't ever want to forget.

just like when you say ---

"love you, love you"
"miss you, miss you"

the first part is for the one you're saying it to...
and the second is actually for you...

like a reminder.
to always remember.

"promise, promise"
"I do, I do..."
"of course, of course..."

there's so much more in it...
more weight...
more conviction...
more affirmation...

"yes, yes..."
"no...no..."

Even when you sound unsure on your first try...
your second one will always seal the deal...

it will never be an empty promise.
it will be so much more than just that...
you will not only have said it...
you'd mean it...
and believe it too...
and with you...
it stays...

"always, always..."

...it's in the details

2006-07-18T17:13:00.000+08:00

"She has 6 different smiles. One: when she finds something funny, two: when someone makes her laugh, three: when she makes fun of herself, four: when she's excited about something, five: when she's nervous and six: when she talks about her friends..." -from some movie I was watching on HBO while lying in bed sick...it stars Topher Grace and Kate Bosworth...

You cannot just love the idea of someone.
Or what someone represents.

You have to love the details of that someone.
the little things that make her unique.
the little details that set her apart from everyone else.

her little quirks.

the way her left eye twitches when she's trying to talk her way out of an embarrassing situation...

the way her fingers lightly touch her locket.

the way she tucks her hair behind her ears when she's uncomfortable.

the way she leans towards you and squints her eyes as she tries to listen to every word you say...

all these and more...in ways only she can...

an idea of someone you've never encountered to her fullest is nothing more than just that...

an idea.

a potential.

"love is all about the little things."

She's pretty.
She's smart.
She's sexy.
She's funny.
She's kind.

She's all that to you.

But how?

How is she pretty?
How is she smart?
How is she sexy?
How is she funny?
How is she kind?

how is she all that to you?
how does she affect your own little details?

Unless you have them, unless you know and understand the little details that make her different from all the other pretty, smart, sexy, funny, kind girls out there...

all you have is an idea of her...

and nothing more...

the kindness chip

2006-07-05T18:00:00.000+08:00

the kindness chip.

"Be kind to unkind people, they are the ones who need it the most." - Anonymous

there are people who are not equipped to choose happiness...

like they've never felt happiness in their previous lifetimes at all.

they take pride in making other people's lives miserable.
that's where they find temporary excitement...empty...dark.

they are to me, the saddest beings to ever walk the earth.
constantly misunderstood...always feeling like the victim...
never smiling...always angry...always hurting...inside...
hating everyone and everything around them...

they bite your hand when you try to reach out for them.
sometimes, they lure you into thinking they need your help...
until you're trapped...

tsk. tsk. tsk.

it is always a choice, like i keep saying. we can always choose to be happy...
we can also choose to go the other direction, and be miserable like hell.

and you always get what you put out.

karma.

good...bad...it all comes back to you... eventually.

which makes you wonder why some people choose to be angry...
miserable...
detached...

i'm easily drawn to kindness... and easily turned off by sour souls...
but no matter how tempting... i don't easily turn away...

i try and try... to see if they will ever find that kindness chip in them...
which i believe, is basic to the human make-up...

even the psychologically challenged would still have that chip in them...
corrupted but still in there...

when people say or do mean things, it's a reflection of how they really
feel inside.

rotten.

and they need a lot more of your care and understanding than you can
ever imagine... you won't hear them ask for it... but their anger is the
loudest cry for help they can ever express...

some of my friends think i'm being gullible and weak when i do this...

i don't know.

but this i do know...

i would want to be given the same amount of compassion, the benefit of the
doubt, the trust that it is inherent in me to turn things around and redeem
myself.

my grandmother once told me, i cannot expect people to react the same way
i would...

true...but i still really do believe that we all have it in us to choose to do good...
to choose to be kind...to sincerely not want to hurt another human being's
person...another human being's feelings...even when provoked.

i believe in the human spirit. i am a big fan of that too.
and no matter how disappointing some people can be sometimes...
we shouldn't lose hope and faith in and for them...
imagine how dark this world would become, if we all gave up on each other.

you can call me a sap, a push-over, a weak @#$&%!! ...

but i choose to use the chip and be run over by a truck...
than refuse to use the chip and be the one driving the truck...

then again...

maybe it's just me.

the soundtrack in my head

2006-07-03T17:56:00.000+08:00

"Is love not dead? Yet I hear that tune if I lie, dreaming awake in the night on my lonely bed, and an old thought turns with the old tune in my head." - "Images of Good and Evil", Arthur Symons

It is rare for me to go through a single day without a track in my head...
and it's usually something that has to do with what i am doing,
about to do or wish to do...

it's that little soundtrack in my head...

you know how it is with movies...every scene has a musical score...
so does every scene in my days...in my nights...

i have my own little soundtrack... i have songs for every chapter...
for every act...

no matter how insane it sounds, you know exactly what i mean...
you understand how it is to walk life with music
in the little corners of your brain.

i cry, i laugh, i eat, i drive, i play, i work, i love, i leave, i return...

i do all that with this song and that...in my head...
and my soul basks in it... marinating until it's time to grill it,
fire it up and make the tender, tough... and ready...

i'm a big fan of life and this is one of the things that makes it amazing...
weaved together with music, life is breathtaking...

every song has a different meaning...in your life and mine...
each song matters to us in different levels that makes us, breaks us,
shakes us, takes us to places we can only imagine...

there are songs that make you realize "you" and perhaps even more...

there are songs that help you try to let go and move on...
you listen to it in your head over and over until it hurts...
too much that you find your heart in your hand...
you purge and purge some more...until it's out of your system.
or so you'd like to wish...

your soundtrack heals yet sometimes feeds the pain...
it makes you remember and relive every second, every minute...
with every note, with every fret...

it intensifies your movements, your relationships, your senses...
it deepens your encounters, your words, your thoughts...
it amplifies everything around you...everything about you.

and sometimes your words become lines to songs you have
yet to encounter...songs that have yet to be written...

songs capture moments of our lives in diverse intensities...
and we all sing it's tune...in different notes, different frets...
different progressions...with different instruments...

but they are all in the same orchestra...we call life.

now, if that's not amazing...

i don't know what is.

as you were...

2006-07-01T06:46:00.000+08:00

"And it’ll be just as quiet when I leave...
As it was when I first got here...
I don’t expect anything..."
- "Quiet", Rachael Yamagata

Sometimes, thinking about what you can never really have is too much for one heart...

no matter how much you try to turn away...no matter how hard you close your eyes and press your palms against your ears...you see it...in your head...you hear it...

calling you...you hear it screaming your name...asking you...

nobody really knows how much you are aching...
aching too much that you're out of breath...all the time...
you gasp for air...and it's not fair...

to everyone else you are fine...but they don't really know...
what you ache for, what you long for, what you wish...for you....
you want it so bad that it squeezes your heart until it bleeds...

and you don't care...

you want to touch it, feel it, hold it for as long as you can...
you'd forget the meaning of time...

you know you can't...but you must....the longing is too much for you to bear...
you have so much to lose but it doesn't seem to matter...not here...not now...

you try to run away... it runs after you...and you want it to run after you...
and you die one little piece at a time when it finally stops running...after you...

you pray so hard it goes away...soon...and you want yourself back the way it was...
but it doesn't happen and you realize this is the new you...

you know that it now just needs to run its course in this lifetime.
...soon it will fade in your memory...as you will it away...
try not to remember so much...
and finally let it go...

but there's always one beat for every thousand your heart makes, that brings it up
every so often...

and it's ok...

you'll find that it doesn't call your name as often anymore...
you'll find that it has found a new place to explore...
you'll find one day it's not there anymore, and there's just you...

as you were...

taking out the tumor...

2006-05-27T07:20:00.000+08:00

"Doing the right thing is never easy. The hardest thing to do in this world is the right thing..." -- Michael Caine (in the movie, "The Weatherman" )

We are all defined by the choices we make...your life is a result of your decisions, the path you chose and will choose to take...life is all about choices...happiness is a choice, so is misery...

We can always choose to be happy...but it's not that easy.

Just when you think you know yourself...you come across something that shakes you...scares you a bit...and it changes you...forever...you're not the same person anymore.

You try to resist it, ignore it, deny it... too late...like paint, it stains you and there's no escaping it. It's now part of you and it somehow, defines you. Most of the time it hurts you. It causes you too much pain that you cannot breathe.

It's what I call the "menthol effect"...burning your chest, it stays there...the harder you try to rub it off, the more it scorches...

It won't go away...so you accept it...you let it stay...until you're numbed by it.

Everyday, you know it's there...like a tumor that will eventually spread throughout your body...until it consumes you...

No one has a cure...

The tumor is so malignant you taste how toxic it is...

then you play doctor...you try to remove it...you're on remission...
even then it leaves a scar...that won't easily heal...
on a cold day you feel a shooting pain...
that reminds you of this ache that now defines the new you.

and then you realize...

...sometimes what you think is right is just something that makes you feel good...and just because something feels good, doesn't mean it's right...

and even when you finally recognize it's not right, you are not always equipped with a strong heart when you most need it...

choose to do right, choose to do good...admittedly, doing the right thing is never the easiest route...

and that's when you know you should do it... because it's the most difficult thing...you can't breathe...

you must take out the tumor so your body can function right again...

but the scar...ah yes, the scar...it will always be there...to remind you of what you had and what you were strong enough to remove and live without...

a reminder that you chose to do right and live your life the way you want it lived.

slowly, you remember how it is to breathe again...

we'll still play...

2006-05-23T07:20:00.000+08:00

we'll still play...

"Once you've reached a new place, challenge yourself all over again..."

Change is the only thing that's sure in this world or so someone said some time in the past...

true...and you either embrace it or fight it... ah, yes, you know me...i'd rather embrace than fight...

And the latest change i will embrace with open arms (and legs...hehehe) is the new show schedule...

Yep, leaving the Mid Day Play with a heavy heart but knowing that i'm leaving it in the good hands of Slick is enough to feel good about moving on to 9am... yes, yes, we'll still play like mad (hee hee)...

"Mornings with Kelly"...(now all i need is Regis!)... but yeah, guess it has a nice ring to it...either that or i'm hearing things...ah yes, mornings (will java like crazy!)...starting June 5th...ack!

Don't be afraid...

We'll have terrible fun together...

Promise!

Kelly =)

looking up...

2005-11-30T18:14:00.000+08:00

“the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in…”
-Morrie Schwartz,
from the book "Tuesdays withMorrie"
by Mitch Albom

You go about your stuff, everyday…you wake up…

you look at yourself in the mirror…wash your face…brush you teeth…take a bath…dress up…eat breakfast…(or not)…you drive to your daily destination…school…work…

you get there…
without even looking up…

our lives have been horizontally oriented ever since it got too hectic to remember the last time you looked up…to see the blue sky…

on a good day…when it’s a bit overcast here and there…not too sunny…not too gloomy…it can be a perfect time to be grateful for the sky…how deep its kinda blue can get…how it’s a great canvass for those magnificent clouds…and how it makes you forget, for a little while…and how it makes you remember a lot of things too…

some people are afraid to look up because there is so much truth up there…it speaks to you…every truth you believed in and have forgotten…or tried to forget…they’re all there…written in the blue canvass…it is sometimes too much for one heart…

but you can’t deny it…it is just there…waiting…to be recognized…in your own time, your own terms…your own convenience…it waits for you…to speak to you…only when you’re ready…

it is not easy to look up again for you who have tried so hard not to…but once you do…there’s no turning back…it’s time…maybe you’re stuck in traffic…then, you look up…your eyes mirror the sky…your face kissed by the sun’s gentle rays…your chest hurt…you feel your heart swell and your palms get warm…

this is what the truth you have been denying yourself feels like…
several emotions will happen all at the same time…you’re thankful, you’re sorry, you’re confused, you’re happy, you’re sad…you wonder for a bit and then it hits you…
looking up reminds you of what you’ve known all along…

to do the right thing…
no matter how difficult…
give it a try…
you won't see it the same way...ever again...

look up the sky…

make it go away

2005-11-25T08:20:00.000+08:00

"Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart; My silent heart, lie still, and break: Life, and the world, and mine own self, are changed for a dream's sake..." -Christina Rossetti (1830-1894)

Have you ever let a passion die? Have you ever been so disheartened, so discouraged and so scarred that you let go of a dream...and you thought it was not worth your time...it was not worth your tears?

People are often afraid to stray too far from the sidewalk (as that Kelly Clarkson song goes) because they have been so hurt to the point of numbness...they've seen it happen right before their very eyes...they've felt it happen right to the very marrow of their bones...like someone just liberally ripped their souls out like it was not worth anything...

So, they give up the passion, they refuse to feel too much for what they used to believe in...they put out the fire...and now there's nothing burning inside of them...

and they settle...settle for something safe...something steady...something that's not at all shaky...
Who could blame them...?

It's an act of self-preservation...to salvage whatever's left of their dignity...to redeem whatever little they have left in their sanity...

They would be numb for a long while...they would forget how it feels to hold a torch for something they strongly care about and believe in...

and then it happens...

someone comes and reminds them... and they instantly remember... like they were waking up from a coma...their memories of old coming back to life and suddenly they can't breathe...

They ask why... they beat themselves up, unforgivingly punishing and tormenting themselves for the big mistake of...settling for less...and letting go of the dream...and not believing it can still happen and that it is just around...lurking...waiting for the perfect time to find them and be found...

and now, it's too late...

In the stillness of life's ocean...there are tiny waves that remind us that there's something bigger than us, waiting to be unravelled, creeping from under the waters...undercurrents...waiting to sweep us off to places we've never been...

But when it finally comes, the question is are you willing and free to be taken by the waves?
Or are you strapped to a life vest?...

safe...breathing...living...yet not alive...

you refuse to think about it and a tiny voice inside you silently screams to no end...

"make it go away.."

and it doesn't.

a care package...

2005-10-26T07:20:00.000+08:00

a care package...

"When someone cares, it is easier to speak, it is easier to listen, it is easier to play, it is easier to work...when someone cares, it is easier to laugh."
-Susan Polis Shutz

I just got a message today in the show...from a young lady who seemed very sad...she has a dear friend...who will be gone in two months...

Now, how does one live with that little piece of information? How does one handle something so fragile? I'd go nuts just thinking about it, knowing I could not stop it from happening...

But that's the thing...I should not even think about stopping it from happening...because it is bound to happen...it's already written in God's book. If I could only erase the words written in that book, so it won't happen this soon...but i can't... nobody can...

You just have to let it run it's course...it is not and will never be in our hands, like time...we can never stop it from ticking every single second...

But there is something I can do...to make it better...I can continue to care...and show it without hesitation...I'd have to shed my armor, and be vulnerable...

but it's all good because that's how it should be...time is not your friend this time around...every second now counts, every second so precious you need to make the most out of every one of them...

Every second should be spent with gratitude...every second with your precious friend should count as a blessing...the good part is that you met each other and you experienced each other's light no matter how brief a time...{I know you're reading this right now, you know who you are...everything happens for a reason sweetie, and that is not a cop out...it is the truth...I may not know much, but I do believe in this...so please...do cry...do grieve...but never forget to be grateful for the little things and for the gift of knowing your friend...}

Caring is valuable...these days not a lot of people show they care...because they're afraid...they fear the thought of being vulnerable...they fear the thought of seeming weak...but that's just it...in showing your vulnerabilities, in showing little acts of kindness, in showing that you care...you actually use an enormous amount of strength to pull it off...this kind of bravery goes beyond what people see... and what other people say shouldn't matter because this is your cause...to care.

Someone sent me a "Care Package" on the day I needed it most (he knows who he is too)... like I keep saying, kindness always does it for me...there is nothing like it... to this day it makes me smile...it's not the package but the care and thought that was put into it that mattered most to me...and the timing...impeccable...

So, if you can send someone a "care package" today...a smile...a nice email...a kind word...a hug...whatever you can spare at one particular moment...one particular second...do so...it won't take so much out of you...but it can mean the world to that person you give it to...

And whatever happens, whatever and no matter how many bumps you may stumble on...it is still pretty good...Life, that is...it is, always has and always will be...

only if you believe...and see it for what it really is...

and make peace with whatever it has to offer.

Life is good.

You just have to handle it with care.
=)

2005-10-14T07:20:00.000+08:00

the heart is not that kind...

"my heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with."
- Because of You, from the album Breakaway
Kelly Clarkson
Even the sturdiest brick wall would have a chip here and a crack there...even when you think you can control the things around you with your will power, sometimes the mind is just no match for the heart...

ah yes, the heart...it breaks everything your mind believes in...it refuses to follow the rules that your mind has set... it loves to breakaway...

You tell yourself to follow your course, then the heart listens to it's own beating, and steers away from the direction your mind wants to take....say you want to forget...a bad childhood memory...the person you left...or the person who left you...

your mind will always be willing...but the heart ...ah, the heart...it is not that kind...it never is...especially the broken kind...now that one is unforgiving...

It's a good thing there is time...time can be your friend if you just acknowledge it... everything takes time...everything is healed in time...it eases you into a new day...and every new day you wake up to, things seem to settle...bit by bit...

it's usually not as bad today as it was yesterday...

so time can be your armour against the heart...it's a good thing there is time...
Isn't it just fascinating? How one tiny little thing the size of your fist can do something so huge and life changing?

Like, say, falling in love or falling out of love...compassion...anger...fear...joy...and all the while you do not notice how fast or how slow it beats...a steady heart beat only happens during sleep... even then your heart never sleeps...it just waits for you and the next morning... and then it's at it again...it lives for it...it loves conflict, despair, longing, pain...

So now you must wonder how or better yet, why your heart keeps you alive...

It's all that you just read...your heart keeps you alive for the ride of your life...love, compassion, conflict, despair, pain, suffering, joy, sadness...

and if you didn't have them in your life...then your heart must be very weak indeed,

and you haven't really lived.

2005-10-07T07:20:00.000+08:00

a "crush" course...

"Love is nothing, nothing, nothing like they say..."
-Liz Phair (also quoted in the book, Good In Bed by Jennifer Weiner)

Happiness is basically all around...sometimes people are a little happy, sometimes they are plenty happy...but when they turn giddy, now that's cranking it up a notch...

when they find themselves smiling for no reason...staring into space and can't do anything right (but they couldn't seem to care less)...

they're probably into something, or better yet, someone...

I've seen my friends have goofy times in their lives, thinking of this one person, their minds wandering into space...and they can't stop smiling...they go about their everyday lives but the difference is they float through the day...occassionally they'd hum a tune...they would have a hard time understanding a word you're saying even if you're just saying something simple like "where do you want to have coffee later?"...they would have only heard the word "later"...

These, my friends, are signs of...i wish to say insanity...but it's a milder case of being crazy...it's being crazy over and/or for someone...a crush if you may...

Merriam-Webster would define it as "an intense and usually passing infatuation"... i like both parts of that definition...the first part -- intense... i like anything that comes after the word intense... intense argument, intense game, intense affection etc. ... and the second part-- usually passing... it's very comforting to know that it passes...so nobody really is cursed with it...there is still a way out of it...and you can be normal again after this intense but fleeting feeling...

But there's really nothing wrong with embracing the moment...basking in it like there is no tomorrow...like nobody else matters but this person...there is nothing wrong with drinking it all up while you still can because it will eventually fade in time...and that's the fun part of life...you have a choice to live it like there's no tomorrow, like nobody else matters...at that very moment...

Moments are the only things you can call perfect because it's personal...you make it perfect...your own little world...your own terms...heck, you even create your own little soundtrack...every song would mean something to you now...you'd have a theme song and a break-up song in mind for moments you feel it is almost fading.

Now isn't that something? You'd have lived a whole different life without leaving your own little space...this is what happens when your mind conspires with your heart...ah...now that's a good tag team...

It's just like being in a rollercoaster ride...try not to close your eyes and take it all in...the fear...the excitement...scream...and be relieved that the ride will eventually end...

And that's when you go back home...and be okay again.
=)

the mind is an amazing thing...

2005-10-05T07:20:00.000+08:00

the mind is an amazing thing...

"...Occasionally, the Warrior sits down...and lets everything that is happening around him, continue to happen. He looks at the world as a spectator. He does not try to add or take away from it. He merely surrenders unresistingly to the movement of life... little by little, everything that seems complicated begins to become simple...and the Warrior is glad."
-Paulo Coelho, "Warrior of the Light" (2002)

My fridate (she knows who she is)...gave me this book called Warrior of the Light some three weeks ago...her timing...impeccable...

the book is one of the best things I've ever received this year...it has helped me realize stuff about a lot of things... the cover says, "short notes on accepting failure, embracing life and rising to your destiny."...

whew...i know...pretty heavy stuff huh?...but sometimes i like the heavy stuff...i'm the type to purge once in a while...it's good for the soul...or so they say...

It's amazing what a little book can do to alter your perception of things...sometimes you think you're in a rut but in fact, if you stay away and watch it happen and just let it happen (like the quote off the book says)...things eventually turn up clearer and simpler...

It helps you absorb and digest what you see in front of you...it's dang hard to do that when you're too involved in it...

So, I am beginning to learn how to stay away...keep my distance...watch and let things happen...

"The mind is an amazing thing", as that line from one Savage Garden song goes (Two Beds and A Coffee Machine)...you can will it to do, believe and see anything, just as you can will it not to do, not to believe and not to see anything... you can be passionate about something one morning and be numb about it the next day if you put your mind to it...

It's a difficult process if you are too self absorbed...but if you don't think the world revolves around you and you alone, it can be pretty easy...

I've been told I make people smile...I sure hope so...whatever little i can do to do just that, I would...and whatever more I am expected to do or say just to do that, I would...

I am not big on hurting people...I am not a big fan of heartbreak, but it happens...so if I can do anything to soften the blow, I'd do it.

I received a call from a very nice listener, who didn't sound like himself today...I could hear heartbreak...his girl told him that she's been going out with his best friend...

A friend once said that heartbreak is not something you'd want to wish on anyone...true...

So I played him a song...well two songs... (How to Deal by Frankie J and Kwarto by Sugarfree) that was the best I could do...but I sure hope it helped him smile for a little while...

My little Claire-bear suffered from the curse of September and I'm glad that month's over...the heart is always a fragile thing but your mind can teach it, can will it to be strong...

I too have been a casualty of September, but now that October is here, things should be a lot better...you hurt today...but you heal tomorrow...just shake it off...

It's all good...whatever happens...things can't be too bad...we can all afford to smile even on a crappy day...because life is and will always be good.

=) always.