as you were...

"And it’ll be just as quiet when I leave...
As it was when I first got here...
I don’t expect anything..."
- "Quiet", Rachael Yamagata


Sometimes, thinking about what you can never really have is too much for one heart...

no matter how much you try to turn away...no matter how hard you close your eyes and press your palms against your ears...you see it...in your head...you hear it...

calling you...you hear it screaming your name...asking you...

nobody really knows how much you are aching...
aching too much that you're out of breath...all the time...
you gasp for air...and it's not fair...

to everyone else you are fine...but they don't really know...
what you ache for, what you long for, what you wish...for you....
you want it so bad that it squeezes your heart until it bleeds...

and you don't care...

you want to touch it, feel it, hold it for as long as you can...
you'd forget the meaning of time...

you know you can't...but you must....the longing is too much for you to bear...
you have so much to lose but it doesn't seem to matter...not here...not now...

you try to run away... it runs after you...and you want it to run after you...
and you die one little piece at a time when it finally stops running...after you...

you pray so hard it goes away...soon...and you want yourself back the way it was...
but it doesn't happen and you realize this is the new you...

you know that it now just needs to run its course in this lifetime.
...soon it will fade in your memory...as you will it away...
try not to remember so much...
and finally let it go...

but there's always one beat for every thousand your heart makes, that brings it up
every so often...

and it's ok...

you'll find that it doesn't call your name as often anymore...
you'll find that it has found a new place to explore...
you'll find one day it's not there anymore, and there's just you...

as you were...