version of you

"he has an idea of you in his head. it doesn't matter if it's true. it makes him happy believing that idea about you..." - from the movie that started so well, but ended quite poorly, American Dreamz...

People have different ideas of you in their heads.

one they want to believe.
one they can handle...
one that's convenient to conceive.

good or bad, nice or not...
you have no control over it.

an idea of you. a half-truth. a semi-made up thought.

for whatever purpose, whatever reason.
it's just a blurry impression.
not your identity, not your intention.

vague made definite.
fantasy made real.
they believe they know how you really feel.

from the little that they've heard...
the little that they've seen.
they create someone...
from somewhere you've never been...

the someone they're familiar with in their heads by far.
a someone not even remotely close to who you really are.

it's their right.
and it's alright.

you're not opening your doors completely.
not letting them in at all...
just giving them a peek...a glimpse...
of what could be and could've been...
it will always be your call..

they squint into a peephole to get a sample of you.
yet they'll never really get it...
not one bit...
not one clue...

somehow that's the way you actually want it.
you feel safer when you sieve.
protected when you filter.
not everyone gets through.
only the ones you allow...
to really experience you.

you don't have to worry about those who want more than you can give...
those who have everything to say about what you do, how you live.

Don't give it another thought.
they can never really get you...
even when they really try...
and pretend they know what's true...
all they'll ever know is just an idea, a thought, an impression...
just a version of you...

not a lot...

"How much time do we have? Not a lot..."
- Mr. D., as played by Ryan Reynolds in the movie School of life

I live my life, my everyday, like it's the last.
time never waits... it goes by so fast.

I try to feel, hear, see as much as i can...
try to remember every what, every where, every when...

Moments are fleeting, they come quickly as they go.
things you miss with every blink, you'll never know.

Embrace every last drop, every single bit.
it will all be over before you know it.

We only live once, yes life is too short...
so try every place, every movie, even every sport.

Say how you feel, mean what you say...
you'll only get one chance at it anyway.

Call her, cook for him, whisper in her ear...
Hug him, hold her hand, without hesitation, without fear...

smile till your cheeks hurt, that's always the best kind...
be thankful for a quiet moment, indeed a good find...

give, forgive and let go of what pains you...
choose to be happy in everything you do...

jump for the littlest things, always laugh your heart out,
digest every simple joy...that's what this life is all about...

Be kind, do good, embrace yourself more...
you know your worth and what you're here for.

Be everything you can be.
Adore everything you see.

Do something for the first time and never forget,
don't be ashamed, never lose faith, never regret...

Love big, love true, love them, love "you"...
Keep a lot, keep a few...keep the old, keep the new...

Waste another second?
no, I will not.
How much time do I have? really...
not a lot.

gone fishing...

"Ever wonder about the games people play?they come, they go, they leave, they stay...someone please tell them, make up their minds...and please open their eyes and take off those blinds..." - anonymous

he loves me, he loves me not...
i'd ask her out, i'd ask her not...
there are no plans, there are no plots...
no point in trying to connect the dots

they convince themselves, they're in it for the fun
play hide and seek, when it feels like hit and run...

let's name a trip...say... fishing...
the thrill of not knowing what he's catching...
whether it's big, whether it's small...
whether he'll ever catch anything at all...

sometimes he'll see one fish take a peek
his efforts are not after all, that bleak...
he puts his energies into luring it in...
clearly a pursuit he can actually win...

hook the tasty bait... then patiently, quietly wait...

after long hours, suddenly, unexpectedly...a bite...
he reels it in...with all his might...
for the fish, there's really no hope in sight...
even when it tries to put up a good fight...

say you're the fish...he picks you up and then...
unhooks you...studies you in every way he can...

he might take you home, and try to taste you...
he might decide to stuff you...picture you on his wall...and mount you...
to display what's his, a catch so fresh, so new...

if you're lucky, if he's smart...that's what it will be...
but sometimes he might choose to unhook you and set you free...
and you're drawn to him for doing so...
like an awestruck mermaid refusing to go...

you wait for him every morning at the same spot...
you watch for his lure, his bait... until you rot...

you don't care for the others who try to entice you...
you swim around in circles, one too many, one too few...

from afar he actually watches as you await his return...
he enjoys that you look for him, your need so severe, so stern...
he basks in delight as you struggle in trance...
it's all about him and he loves this kind of dance...

right foot in, right foot out...
all he does is shake you all about...

he won't fish you out again...
even when he actually can...

you wish for the impossible...
to be fished out and conquer all...

you know you'll die out of the water...
and he will never really bother...
to try and leave all he has known on land...
to join you, and give you his heart, his hand...

you're left hoping...still wishing...still waiting...
and while you believe and feel there may be something...
to him, it's really nothing...in fact...
he's just gone fishing...

taking off...

"I reached for him, for some sign, for something, as he was walking out the door...he never stopped walking...he never even slowed down..." - Good in Bed, Jennifer Weiner

(taking off - this phrase can only be good, for some people that is, if it were followed by the word “clothes”…and cool if it were preceded by the words “plane” and “career”.)

when used to mean "to go", "to leave"..."to escape"...
"to run away from"
to try and never return...
to abandon...

"i'm taking off now..."
you don't know why, but you realize how.

taking off.

let's dissect it for a bit.

"taking" - not giving.
"off" - not on.
focused on getting...
a devious and very subtle con.

putting them together is schemingly clever...
a cross between the now and the never...

you don't hear "goodbye", you don't hear "so long" ...
you hear "good riddance" ..."i'm outta here"...
simply put, it just sounds wrong.

it's not even a farewell...
and you can always tell...

the silent damage... the subtle emptiness...
you see it coming...hear what it says...
you feel no more...you feel no less...
you crave to finally escape this mess...

the quiet disturbance
of a fleeting glance
of one last dance...
no one stands a chance.

is it easier to say it?
easier than "i'll be back soon" ?
that would be too much promise,
too much commitment...too much too soon...

too much of a compromise...too much of a touch...
too much trouble...
just plain...too much.

it is also too much to take...
too much to bear...
too much at stake...
just plain...not fair.

it picks at you...your bits and pieces
you try to survive the little hits and misses...

but you wait for the tide to subside...
and realize that there's a much better ride...
waiting for you to get off the wrong plane, bus or train...
you take a new trip...to try and forget the pain...

and after all that's said and done...
you can tell yourself you've won...
because no matter how much they mock or scoff...
finally...you're the one... taking off...

frame you...

"We all reject out of hand the idea that the love of our life may be something light or weightless; we pressume our love is what must be...that without it, our life would no longer be the same..." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

if there was a way to capture one moment of you...
to immortalize that memory...put it in a frame and just look at you.
if there was a way to pick a favorite second...a snapshot...not two...
of the way i wish to remember you...

if there was a way to do this...
then i can also choose what i wish to miss...

then i wouldn't have to suffer your touch
my heart wouldn't have to bleed so much...

to push away everything else i saw in you...
except in that one moment, one fine day...
to believe that that was the soul i knew...
and the rest i should just crop out and throw away...

didn't i give you everything i own?
gave you your septer, your crown, your throne?
i thought you said i made you smile...
but that only lasted for a while...

you said you wish to stay with me...
that i was made only for you...
it took me awhile to really see...
that you really didn't have a clue...

to give your hand, your soul, your heart...
for someone to rip it all apart...
never really fair...even from the start...

should i stay or should i leave you...
a catch 22.
my heart beats black, my spirit screams blue...
took me so long to do what i had to do..

so i turn away...with so much more in my life to see...
so much more to do...so much more for me...

even now that i seem to be fine...
it starts to play in my head now and then...
memories that are still mine...
hazy bits of the how, the what, the when...

still i hope, still i pray... that there really was a way...
to make that one moment stay...that fine day...

the only thing of you i wish i knew...
to keep only one nice memory...good enough...
to frame you.

the train never comes...

"i hate to think of you waiting...when i am dead...stop waiting and be free...of me...put me deep inside of you and then go out in the world and live... love the world and yourself in it, move through it as though it offers no resistance, as though the world is your natural element. i have given you a life of suspended animation... you have created beauty and meaning...for me you have been everything...i love you always...time is nothing..."

- taken from The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

it is probably one of the most difficult things you can ever be faced with...it is something you wish you never had to do...

but since you are driven by a force you do not recognize yet sincerely respect...you do it...you wait.

you fumble with your fingers...you try to read a good book...
you sing a song in your head as you wonder about that last look.

wanting something...
something to happen, something to feel...
something to finally manifest itself...to make it real...

you try to write something...scenarios and what could be's
your chest burns with longing, the yearnings never cease...

you wonder how much longer you should put your life on hold
for one who's neither here nor there, one who's neither hot nor cold...

why must you wait you ask...
why must you put on another mask...
why can't you just will them to come true...
why doesn't it want it as bad as you do...

there's something really selfish about it...this type of fate...
blocking the world around you...
nothing else matters
but the one you anticipate...

wait...wait...wait...
the clock keeps on ticking...
wait...wait...wait...
the world keeps on turning...

your time, your energy, your hand, your heart, your soul...
every bit of you moves toward this one thing as you dig a deeper hole...

some may think you're losing it,
for waiting for something that will never really fit...

but as long as you believe it's worth it...
worth losing precious time for...
as long as your head, your heart can see it...
touch it, taste it...and you still want more...

then do as you may...wait...wait...
till you reach that all rewarding state...

go trust your instincts, the passion inside you that always hums...
even when you know while wishing...while waiting...

the train never really comes...

you are...

"You can learn me..." - taken from the movie, The Constant Gardener





I'm not a big believer of the line "first impressions last..."
It's all too brief, too swift, too fast...

If you base your knowledge of one person from one encounter, one fraction of a moment...

we would be missing out on the best ingredients of that person and every precious time he spent.

You are more than one moment, one experience, one thought.
they don't know the complex battles you have fought...

You are worth more than one second, one minute, one hour, one day.
You are better than all the things they think about you or even say...

You are the words you speak...
that makes you strong and sometimes weak...

You are the walk you walk...
the work you do...
the memories you treasure...
the beliefs you value...

You are defined by your family, your friends...
your thoughts...your prayers...
your heart that often bends...

You are your needs...
You are your secrets...
your dreams...
your deeds...

To really know and experience you takes time...
to sense your every rhythm, your every rhyme...

to know you is to witness all your evolutions
the evolution of your happiness
the evolution of your dreams...
the movement of your sadness...
your stillness and your screams.

First impressions are just that and nothing but...
once you believe it, no one ever makes the cut...
the journey to the unfair begins...
and someone's true essence never wins.

In this fast paced world...it's rare for some people to want to carefully learn someone...
you are given not two moments, but just one.
no chance to amend, no chance to reveal...
a first impression is an unfortunate seal.

it's safe...it's quick...and out of the way...
nothing else to do, nothing more to say.

But whether anybody ever learns you or never at all...
the shots are always yours and never their call...

No one will ever know you the way you do...
The details of your life are those that make you, you...
and every single detail is important, by far...
because...
you are.

what's your movie like?

"i love watching people, how they smile, when they do, to know why they try not to sometimes..." - kellymagic899

i wonder how it would be like in your shoes,

your home, your thoughts, your victories.

your heartaches...

how would i live your life?

your every day?

it will be nothing like mine...

wouldn't it be amazing for me to live it

if there was a way?

even for just a day?

every life, to me, is like a movie...

in my head...

the film never stops rolling

that's how it seems, that's how i see

different lives...different plots...

different characters...different takes

you have your heroes, your heroins

and your villains

your life's beatitudes

and your seven deadly sins...

conflicts... resolutions... redemptions...

the lightest of concerns and the heaviest of emotions

we have them all,

we rise and fall

oh, the drama...

the suspense...

the comedy...

the horror...

life is interesting that way

you embrace it...

even more each day

the guy that makes you cry...

the girl that leaves you dry...

the one that got away...

the one that chose to stay...

the choices that we make...

the roads we have to take...

the happiness you try to shake...

the never ending heartbreak...

the price you have to pay...

the fear that won't go away...

you sometimes wish for your movie to end...

without resolve...

even so, the script is never finished

new story lines

new dialogues

new locations

written every second...

as your musical score intensifies...softens...and builds up again...

you eat, you sleep, you work, you move, you run, you smile...

in ways unique to you...they all go unnoticed for a while.

you win, you lose, you stumble, you fall, you pick youself up

you get tired, you feel empty, you love, you give up...

the cinematography is sometimes hazy, sometimes clear

the soundtrack sometimes you can barely hear...

then our paths cross and i'm in your movie

and you're in mine...

we experience each other, we exchange lines

and we're changed for good...

just like we should.

as i watch my movie unfold...

i wonder about the other stories, right now, being told...

doesn't matter whether your name is sheila, jack, dianne or mike...

it would be nice if you can please tell me...

what's your movie like?

hush...

"it's how you wanted it to be...
it's like you played a joke on me...

and i lost a friend in the end...
but i don't blame you anymore,

that's too much pain to store,
you left me half dead

inside my head...
looking back i see

i'm not the girl i used to be,
when i lost my mind,

it saved my life..."

- light years, mozella

Some things are better left unsaid.

Let it just die a natural death...and bury it

where no one can ever find it.

you dare not say a word that even sounds like it...

it just gives it life that way...it becomes real.

you try to convince yourself that it didn't actually happen...

that it doesn't actually exist.

that you must've gotten it from a movie.

that you must have heard it from a friend.

it's not real.

you try to trivialize it...like it's no big deal.

you tell yourself to leave it...even if it calls your name.

you treat it like a monster under your bed.

you do everything to get it out of your head.

you tell yourself it's not true, but it scares the heck out of you.

the key is to not say it...because when you do, you believe it.

sometimes it will do everything to trick you into saying it...

trick you into believing, again, that it is the truth.

and that there's no escaping it.

you cup your ears, you shut your eyes ever so tightly..

and hum a tune...to drown it out.

you tell yourself you're better than this.

you won't be bullied.

by some memory of something

that you tell yourself never really happened.

by some memory of someone

that you tell yourself never really existed.

whatever it is, whoever that was...

they were never really there.

that's the only truth you'll ever need to know...

and just like that...it's done...

because you say so.

Ode to...(rachael yamagata video)

Ode to... (wonder who he is...)

and here she is...full of soul, full of pain...so amazing to me...
the way she sings...is the kind that haunts you...
her songs...the kind that stays in you...for a really long time...