when super glue fails...

"my blood, my hand, my soul...
i throw them unto you without control...
the things i freely give, you stole...
and now i'm left in pieces...

...you've got to tell the world
about the girl you once knew,
oh she wasn't meant to be...
but you fell so very deeply...
in love... with me..." - Untitled, Rachael Yamagata

Sometimes you go through some things that leave you helpless...
you hurt too much, it renders you motionless... emotionless...if you may...

the spark inside you just dies...

like someone blew on the candle that lights you up...
and leaves you dim...and... dark...

Sometimes you feel you've given so much of yourself...
and after the ride you don't recognize yourself anymore...
it took so much out of you that you feel you have nothing left.

you're not the same anymore... you become a stranger to yourself...
you're broken... and you want your pieces put back together...

if only you can super glue yourself back the way you were...

and you hope one day... by some form of miracle...
you'll be whole again... you'll be you again...
or atleast how you remember you...

but you and i know that once you're broken, you're changed forever...
you're never the same... just a hint of what was...

you can only patch yourself up inside temporarily...
it will only hold for a few weeks, months...
and if you're lucky...it may hold for a few years...

but the chips, the cracks can never be completely sealed...

that's what happens when you give... of yourself... too much...
and not leave some for you... your safety... your sanity...

but somehow that's how you should give...
your all is sometimes not enough...
and you have so much to lose in the end...

funny that that's the beauty of it...that one...right there...

you know what will happen... but you still do it...
you still give... of yourself... completely...

knowing you'll have nothing left in the end...you don't hold back...

some people think it's crazy...
but that's what happens when you give great love.
not love, not big love, but great love.

it grasps you.
enchants you.
overwhelms you.
takes you to new heights you've never even thought possible...

and just as fast as it grabs you...
without a clue, without a warning...
it drops you...

the freefall snatches your beating heart off your chest...
you hit the pavement...

shattered...
pieces of you...millions of them...scatter...

and no matter how much you try...
you can never be super glued back.

you'd have lost a lot of bits and pieces along the way...

but the thing is, that's when you will have learned...
that's when you find the you that you never thought was ever there...

it comes out of the ruins...
and you respect it...you embrace it...

as you let the heartbreak take its course...
take its last breath...

you find yourself say...

that you, chips, cracks and all are actually,
okay...

is it you?

"I found i'm scared to know i'm always on your mind..."
- Collide, Howie Day

What makes you like a song?
What makes you obsess about it till your ears bleed from listening to it over and over?

What makes a song, you?

when you find yourself requesting for it from a local radio station even after hearing it a few minutes ago...you must more than like it...

It must play a role in your life...or your day at least...

when you start playing it on repeat in your car...

when you find yourself humming it wherever you go...
when you look for tabs or chords so you can play it
using the instrument of your choice...
then you must already be hooked...

but it's one thing to like a song and yet another to live it...
and that song must be worth your time...
no matter how simple,
no matter how complicated...
it speaks to you...
and you believe it...

I like quoting lines off poems, books, movies and yes, songs...
they speak little truths...
i write them down...
i collect them...
so i don't miss a thing...

you will almost always know when a line speaks to you...
when it speaks you...

ah yes...
it moves you...

and the authors of these lyrics just become amazing to you...
every word they write make you wonder about the pain,
the tribulations they went through...
if at all they were writing out of experience...

and to turn it into a song...
with a musical arrangement that captures you...

simply genius.

a lot of the local stuff completely wow me too...

i like the ones that tell stories...
stories about you...and me.

i savor every note every single time...
i bask in every chorus...
i anticipate every refrain...

i like simple words put together,
making a smooth undeniable conflict...
unheard of, yet so true...

the line i quoted from Howie Day's Collide
was something you'd never thought you'd realize...
but it happens...
it's a little truth that he brings to your attention every time you listen to his song...

and if the song you are liking right now
doesn't have that element of helping you find you...

then maybe you should start asking yourself...

"is it you?"

to my lover

this is a love letter...

"I love you like I never let yourself feel again...
I love you with my whole heart until it bends...
I love you like a lover till the end..." - Even So, Rachael Yamagata

i have been trying my very best to stay away from you...
because everybody says you're simply no good for me...

and it's breaking my heart...

for i have gotten so used to
waking up with you in the morning...
enjoying your company in the middle of the day...
feeling your comforting warmth on a cold night...

You have always been there for me...
in all my trials and victories...
you have been part of my every day...
every celebration...
every misery...
you understand me...

you were there...
when i'd cry...
laugh...
smile...
you know me...

you've given me...
comfort...
warmth...
excitement...
you inspire me.

you cheer me up...
perk me up...
pick me up...
you move me...

But being with you all these years...
is taking it's toll on me...
i've had too much of you...

too much that i lose sight
of what's wrong...
and what's right...
i get nervous...
my heart beats so fast
i can't breathe...
i can't sleep...
i can't eat...

i must let you go...

slowly...
weaning myself...

and it's not easy...

everyday...

i get a whiff of your scent...
your aroma...
calling me...
teasing me...

i look for you...
i crave for you...

the symptoms are too much to bear...

my hands shake...
my head hurts...

you are no longer with me...
and part of me feels empty...

no matter how much i want you...
you are not what i need...

i was your Bonnie...
you were my Clyde...

it was dangerous...
risky...
yet so much fun...
and i must say,
we had a great run...

i took you for what you were...
strong...
black...
bold...
sometimes hot...
sometimes cold...

but now...

dear lover.
dear friend.

our love affair...
must come to an end.

(i have had a love affair with coffee for as long as i can

remember...but lately i had to stay away from it...

this is my way of saying goodbye...

to the greatest lover of all time..."adios mi cafe!"...

until we meet again...hehehe)

zoom...

"Focus" - a center of activity, attraction, or attention; a state or condition permitting clear perception or understanding - definition taken from Merriam Webster



As defined by the dictionary, the concept is very easy to grasp.

as defined by experience...the concept is not very easy to explain.

if you liken yourself to a camera, your eyes would be lenses,
every time you blink you capture moments

and you store the ones you like in your brain, your memory disc
and you do this until your battery... your heart, runs out.

...your heart can only take so much sometimes
and there will be a need for you to recharge it,
reset and start over...

we all have our way of capturing memories...
the difference would always be on the way you zoom in on things.

would you be on auto or manual focus?

when you're on auto focus...
you just let the shot take you wherever it leads you.
no control...no responsibility...just technical clarity...
no effort at all.

but when you're on manual focus...
there's direction...
you know what you want to shoot
and you try your best to zoom in on it
until it's sharp enough,
until it's clear enough to your liking...

most of the time we don't know what we want
and we're on auto focus.
we believe it's what we want.
our natural instincts make us believe it is what's best for us...

but the minute you decide to be on manual focus...
things change for you.
you're in control of your life...your choices...
you know not only what you want,
but you have a clear understanding of what it is you need
and how to get it.

you have the power to turn a bad shot into a good one
by zooming in, cropping out the elements
that make your picture look less appealing.

your shots are actually better.

a good remembrance of a very small space of time
you want to keep with you...
in your memory disc...

a collection of you and how you have been...

a reminder of what more you could be.

when you focus...
you're taking one step towards taking charge of your life...

and the best part of it all is when you take every shot...
in your mind you quietly say...

"smile".

focus is a good thing...

when you're "in" and not "out of" it.

bless your hearts...

"you don't have to worry about eyestrain from looking on the brighter side of life..."
-anonymous

Getting ill for more than i expected was horrible.
More than the discomfort, it's the not-being-able-to-do-what-i-normally-would-do that pains me the most...

I missed one thursday and one friday. But i guess that's how it must run...through the weekend...

There's more to being sick than just blowing my nose, coughing up (in my case, desperately trying to) unnecessaries, staying in bed, drinking lots of and eating nothing but water...ack!

Being sick means a big disconnection for me... missing out on things i could have done, people i could have laughed with, people i could have made happier, in my own dorky way of course...

I guess it's my body's way of saying I should slow down a bit...
so i did...
slow down...
a bit...

though i'm still not one hundred percent okay today, i just had to go back and do the show...
short of breath still, but there's really nothing like it... (the show i mean, not my breath...ack!)
it's my own elixir...my energy potion...

today, i got a big brown teddy bear...sweet as sugar...sent through courier...
made me smile real big this morning...

i got flowers from an anonymous lady just a couple of days before i got sick...like she knew i'd need the comfort of beautiful tulips eventually...bless your heart too... still don't know your name...but thank you...

and all the emails, text messages, poems, calls and well wishes...goodness... you're all too kind...
bless your heart for always...

I used to dread getting sick but looking at it at a different angle makes it bearable...because of unbelievable kindness all around...

wow.

this is why i'm a big fan of the human spirit.

yours.

and yes...

mine too.

=)

close encounters...

"She has this unbelievable moment of strength because she had love...that's what happens when you have love..."

- from the movie "Pieces of April", starring Katie Holmes

love sometimes can be overrated...
or so most cynics like to say...
but it can also be underrated...

some people actually downplay it and run away from it all together...
like the plague.

I guess it's just a matter of knowing and trying to understand
what it really is...

what is love without a purpose?
a former Ms. Universe once quoted some poet,
"love is not love, until you give it away..."

what is love without sacrifice?
a line from the musical play Miss Saigon goes...
"to make sure you're not hurt again, i swear i'd give my life for you..."

what is love without losing?
that popular cliche of a saying...
"it's better to have loved and lost..."
yadda, yadda...

what is love?
do you know what it really is?
how do you know it is what it is?

what kind of love do you have?

one movie would dissect it to be three kinds...
(ack, i'm a big movie fan, if you haven't noticed)

love.
big love.
great love.

the first one is the kind that goes away after, say, two months.
the second one is the kind that goes away after two years.
the third one...

ah, the third one...

it's the kind that changes your life forever.

if you get hit by the third kind of love...
that's both a blessing...
and a curse.

you cannot escape it.
there's no way you can hide from it.
there's no denying it no matter how hard you try.
you are done for my dear.
and it's good...all over.

not everyone is blessed to find it or be found by it...
but once you have "it"...
you'll feel strong...
and yet so powerless in all the right places...

you're out of control and you delight in it.
it's crazy...but makes so much sense.

the thing is...
sometimes you don't even know "it" is just right in front of you.
waiting to be recognized.

it is not in the package that you hoped for...
but it really never comes wrapped the way we want it to be.

unless you give it a try and unwrap it...
unless you try it on for size...
unless you give it a shot...

then you would have missed out on "the third kind"...

it would have almost been a close encounter...

but you didn't look up...

tsk.

always, always...

"...you can say it, if you mean it enough to say it twice..." - from the movie "Stepmom"

There's an on-going joke of saying (or not) my name twice...because if you say it fast enough, it can be mistaken for the direct translation of armpit in the vernacular :) (go ahead, try it...hee hee...)

But Myreen of Imago once said my name is so nice I say it twice...
cool...and yes, true.

there's a certain hidden joy out of hearing my name said twice.
like they like it enough to say it twice...

then Myreen is probably right...

nice.

If I like something...when i'm simply charmed... i find myself saying it twice.

savoring it.
making an imprint in my head.
like i don't ever want to forget.

just like when you say ---

"love you, love you"
"miss you, miss you"

the first part is for the one you're saying it to...
and the second is actually for you...

like a reminder.
to always remember.

"promise, promise"
"I do, I do..."
"of course, of course..."

there's so much more in it...
more weight...
more conviction...
more affirmation...

"yes, yes..."
"no...no..."

Even when you sound unsure on your first try...
your second one will always seal the deal...

it will never be an empty promise.
it will be so much more than just that...
you will not only have said it...
you'd mean it...
and believe it too...
and with you...
it stays...

"always, always..."

...it's in the details

"She has 6 different smiles. One: when she finds something funny, two: when someone makes her laugh, three: when she makes fun of herself, four: when she's excited about something, five: when she's nervous and six: when she talks about her friends..." -from some movie I was watching on HBO while lying in bed sick...it stars Topher Grace and Kate Bosworth...

You cannot just love the idea of someone.
Or what someone represents.

You have to love the details of that someone.
the little things that make her unique.
the little details that set her apart from everyone else.

her little quirks.

the way her left eye twitches when she's trying to talk her way out of an embarrassing situation...

the way her fingers lightly touch her locket.

the way she tucks her hair behind her ears when she's uncomfortable.

the way she leans towards you and squints her eyes as she tries to listen to every word you say...

all these and more...in ways only she can...

an idea of someone you've never encountered to her fullest is nothing more than just that...

an idea.

a potential.

"love is all about the little things."

She's pretty.
She's smart.
She's sexy.
She's funny.
She's kind.

She's all that to you.

But how?

How is she pretty?
How is she smart?
How is she sexy?
How is she funny?
How is she kind?

how is she all that to you?
how does she affect your own little details?

Unless you have them, unless you know and understand the little details that make her different from all the other pretty, smart, sexy, funny, kind girls out there...

all you have is an idea of her...

and nothing more...

the kindness chip

the kindness chip.

"Be kind to unkind people, they are the ones who need it the most." - Anonymous

there are people who are not equipped to choose happiness...

like they've never felt happiness in their previous lifetimes at all.

they take pride in making other people's lives miserable.
that's where they find temporary excitement...empty...dark.

they are to me, the saddest beings to ever walk the earth.
constantly misunderstood...always feeling like the victim...
never smiling...always angry...always hurting...inside...
hating everyone and everything around them...

they bite your hand when you try to reach out for them.
sometimes, they lure you into thinking they need your help...
until you're trapped...

tsk. tsk. tsk.

it is always a choice, like i keep saying. we can always choose to be happy...
we can also choose to go the other direction, and be miserable like hell.

and you always get what you put out.

karma.

good...bad...it all comes back to you... eventually.

which makes you wonder why some people choose to be angry...
miserable...
detached...

i'm easily drawn to kindness... and easily turned off by sour souls...
but no matter how tempting... i don't easily turn away...

i try and try... to see if they will ever find that kindness chip in them...
which i believe, is basic to the human make-up...

even the psychologically challenged would still have that chip in them...
corrupted but still in there...

when people say or do mean things, it's a reflection of how they really
feel inside.

rotten.

and they need a lot more of your care and understanding than you can
ever imagine... you won't hear them ask for it... but their anger is the
loudest cry for help they can ever express...

some of my friends think i'm being gullible and weak when i do this...

i don't know.

but this i do know...

i would want to be given the same amount of compassion, the benefit of the
doubt, the trust that it is inherent in me to turn things around and redeem
myself.

my grandmother once told me, i cannot expect people to react the same way
i would...

true...but i still really do believe that we all have it in us to choose to do good...
to choose to be kind...to sincerely not want to hurt another human being's
person...another human being's feelings...even when provoked.

i believe in the human spirit. i am a big fan of that too.
and no matter how disappointing some people can be sometimes...
we shouldn't lose hope and faith in and for them...
imagine how dark this world would become, if we all gave up on each other.

you can call me a sap, a push-over, a weak @#$&%!! ...

but i choose to use the chip and be run over by a truck...
than refuse to use the chip and be the one driving the truck...

then again...

maybe it's just me.

the soundtrack in my head

"Is love not dead? Yet I hear that tune if I lie, dreaming awake in the night on my lonely bed, and an old thought turns with the old tune in my head." - "Images of Good and Evil", Arthur Symons

It is rare for me to go through a single day without a track in my head...
and it's usually something that has to do with what i am doing,
about to do or wish to do...

it's that little soundtrack in my head...

you know how it is with movies...every scene has a musical score...
so does every scene in my days...in my nights...

i have my own little soundtrack... i have songs for every chapter...
for every act...

no matter how insane it sounds, you know exactly what i mean...
you understand how it is to walk life with music
in the little corners of your brain.

i cry, i laugh, i eat, i drive, i play, i work, i love, i leave, i return...

i do all that with this song and that...in my head...
and my soul basks in it... marinating until it's time to grill it,
fire it up and make the tender, tough... and ready...

i'm a big fan of life and this is one of the things that makes it amazing...
weaved together with music, life is breathtaking...

every song has a different meaning...in your life and mine...
each song matters to us in different levels that makes us, breaks us,
shakes us, takes us to places we can only imagine...

there are songs that make you realize "you" and perhaps even more...

there are songs that help you try to let go and move on...
you listen to it in your head over and over until it hurts...
too much that you find your heart in your hand...
you purge and purge some more...until it's out of your system.
or so you'd like to wish...

your soundtrack heals yet sometimes feeds the pain...
it makes you remember and relive every second, every minute...
with every note, with every fret...

it intensifies your movements, your relationships, your senses...
it deepens your encounters, your words, your thoughts...
it amplifies everything around you...everything about you.

and sometimes your words become lines to songs you have
yet to encounter...songs that have yet to be written...

songs capture moments of our lives in diverse intensities...
and we all sing it's tune...in different notes, different frets...
different progressions...with different instruments...

but they are all in the same orchestra...we call life.

now, if that's not amazing...

i don't know what is.

as you were...

"And it’ll be just as quiet when I leave...
As it was when I first got here...
I don’t expect anything..."
- "Quiet", Rachael Yamagata


Sometimes, thinking about what you can never really have is too much for one heart...

no matter how much you try to turn away...no matter how hard you close your eyes and press your palms against your ears...you see it...in your head...you hear it...

calling you...you hear it screaming your name...asking you...

nobody really knows how much you are aching...
aching too much that you're out of breath...all the time...
you gasp for air...and it's not fair...

to everyone else you are fine...but they don't really know...
what you ache for, what you long for, what you wish...for you....
you want it so bad that it squeezes your heart until it bleeds...

and you don't care...

you want to touch it, feel it, hold it for as long as you can...
you'd forget the meaning of time...

you know you can't...but you must....the longing is too much for you to bear...
you have so much to lose but it doesn't seem to matter...not here...not now...

you try to run away... it runs after you...and you want it to run after you...
and you die one little piece at a time when it finally stops running...after you...

you pray so hard it goes away...soon...and you want yourself back the way it was...
but it doesn't happen and you realize this is the new you...

you know that it now just needs to run its course in this lifetime.
...soon it will fade in your memory...as you will it away...
try not to remember so much...
and finally let it go...

but there's always one beat for every thousand your heart makes, that brings it up
every so often...

and it's ok...

you'll find that it doesn't call your name as often anymore...
you'll find that it has found a new place to explore...
you'll find one day it's not there anymore, and there's just you...

as you were...